


Past Lives

by LikeMmmCookies



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Loneliness, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Personal Growth, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, all the sadness, i made myself cry writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-14 07:50:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5735602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeMmmCookies/pseuds/LikeMmmCookies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his days training to be a Jedi, young Ben Solo is tasked with teaching and guiding Rey, a spitfire girl with immense power. More similar than they know, Ben and Rey's futures are inextricably bound together as an unlikely friendship forms, even while Ben begins his journey towards the dark side.</p>
<p>Or: How Ben became Kylo Ren, why Luke ran away, and how Rey got to Jakku.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Darkness Will Be Rewritten

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first full-length fic and honestly it's not very good...I would recommend reading my other more recent ones haha

Ben warily circled his opponent, twirling his practice blade around his hand.

“No unnecessary movements,” Luke reprimanded him from the edge of the training circle. “Conserve your energy. Give every movement a purpose.”

Two small creases appeared between Ben’s eyebrows. His opponent, Tamdin, a student two years Ben’s senior, slashed towards Ben in the first of a series of sharp blows. Ben easily parried, then sent Tamdin on the defensive as he practically chased him out of the training circle. Tamdin spun out of scoring distance, stepping outside the circle. Luke held up his hand to indicate a break. Tamdin puffed heavily, leaning over and bracing his hands on his thighs. Ben followed him out of the circle with leisurely steps, twirling his practice blade around his hand again. Ben’s shadow fell over Tamdin as he reached him. Tamdin craned his neck up to look at Ben, a shock of sandy blond hair falling onto his sweaty brow.

“Damn Ben. Can’t keep up with you anymore.”

Ben heard disapproving clucks from Luke as he joined the two boys.

“I’m sorry, Master Luke,” Tamdin panted.

Luke gave a short shake of his head. “No need to apologize, Tamdin.” Luke shot an exasperated look at Ben.

“What?” Ben demanded with a shrug. “Do you want me not to try?”

Luke gave a short shake of his head before turning back to the other boy. “Tamdin, take a break, catch your breath. Then you two will go again.”

Tamdin’s head flopped back down as he groaned. Luke turned to Ben.

“Ben, you will fight with your left hand.”

“My _what._ ”

“I want you to fight as strongly on your wrong side as you do on your dominant side.”

“Now you’re just inventing ways to make me suffer because no one here is good enough to practice with me anymore,” Ben sneered.

 Luke glanced at Tamdin again. Tamdin was the last of the padawans that could keep up with Ben in duels, even among the older students.

“I am not trying to make you suffer, I want you to fight equally well on both sides.”

“This is a waste of time,” Ben huffed.

Luke waved his artificial hand in Ben’s face. “You’re a Skywalker. You need to be prepared.” Luke abruptly turned and walked away, his cloak swishing behind him. Tamdin chuckled and stood upright. Ben was fuming.

“He has a point, Ben.” Ben shot Tamdin a scorching look and Tamdin’s mouth snapped shut.

“Catch your breath,” Ben muttered. “I’ll be right back.”

He tramped across the training grounds towards the main building, fists clenching and unclenching. He tried to weave between the groups of younger children practicing around the field, when a blur of limbs and bodies crashed into him, nearly knocking him off his feet. He regained his balance and spied the blur, which he saw was a girl and a boy in a tussle. He grabbed both children around their torsos, roughly yanking them apart.

“Hey, hey! What is going on here?”

The boy dusted dirt off his tunic. “Rey cheated!” He cried, pointing an accusing finger at the girl. Ben turned to look at “Rey.” She was a slip of a girl, she couldn’t be more than six, at the oldest. She wiped a few drops of blood away from where it was trickling out her nose, smearing it across her face. She defiantly stuck her chin out and planted her tiny hands on her tiny hips, alternating between glowering at Ben and the boy, her dark brown hair sticking out in all directions. Ben tried his hardest not to laugh. He cleared his throat.

“What is your name?” He asked the boy.

“I’m Mando.”

_Who names their child Mando?_ Ben suppressed a smirk.

“And you’re Rey, I believe?” Ben addressed the girl.

“Yes, I’m Rey” she shot at him indignantly. “And Mandy is lying, I didn’t cheat.”

“Don’t call me Mandy! That’s a girl’s name!” Mando whined.

“Yeah well your name is stupid and I don’t like it. And girls are the best so you shouldn’t be mad.” Rey smirked at Mando, who was glaring daggers at her. She seemed entirely unaffected by his rage.

Ben looked at the group of children clustered around him. “Well _someone_ better tell me what happened.” A willowy girl with dark blue skin stepped forward. “We were playing a game. To win you have to get the practice stick from the other team’s side to your side without getting caught. Mando caught Rey on his side. She kicked him in the back of the knees. He fell over and then she ran away from him.”

“Yeah,” Mando spat. “Cheating, plain and simple.”

“Is not! You’re just mad I won, you little baby!” Rey launched herself at Mando, taking a swing at his face. Ben snatched her away before her blow landed. She squirmed, swinging her arms and legs wildly. Ben grunted as she dug her elbow into his sternum. _She is much stronger than she looks,_ he thought wryly.

“Hey, stop,” he insisted, giving her a little shake. She redoubled her efforts, landing a solid kick on Ben’s hip.

“REY,” the older girl shouted at her. “Stop right _now_ ,” in a tone Ben could only identify as the mom-voice. Rey immediately stopped struggling and Ben set her down. Rey darted towards the blue-skinned girl, hiding behind her arm, boring her eyes into Ben. He gingerly rubbed his sternum, where he was sure a bruise was already forming.

“That’s _Ben Solo,_ ” the blue-skinned girl hissed at Rey. “I don’t care, Anya,” she shot back.”

“Well, you should,” Anya admonished. Suddenly, Rey’s nose began to bleed in earnest, and she attempted to mop up the blood with a dusty sleeve.

Ben sighed, combing a hand through his unruly black hair. “Mando, are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he begrudged.

“Okay, everyone, go back to…whatever you were doing. Rey, come on. I’ll take you to the medical wing.”

Rey eyed Ben suspiciously. Anya jabbed Rey in the back. “Rey, you have to listen to him.”

“Says _who_?” Rey snapped in her piping voice. The older girl just glared at Rey, who huffed at her. “Fiiiine” she griped. Rey gave her nose another wipe and Ben noticed the sleeve of her tunic was ripped up one side, revealing a series of dirty scrapes. Ben started off towards the main building again, shortening his strides so she didn’t fall behind. She practically stomped her way to the building, refusing to look at him. As they approached the medical rooms, she stopped in her tracks and stared up at him.

“What did Anya mean you’re _Ben Solo_?” she asked, imitating Anya’s warning tone.

Ben shuffled awkwardly. “Umm, I don’t know. I guess people make a big fuss because my mom is Leia Organa and my dad is Han Solo.” Rey’s eyes grew impossibly wide before her face lit up.

“ _Han Solo?_ THE Han Solo? You mean the best damn pilot in the galaxy?”

Ben gave a tiny smirk. “Watch your language, little lady.” Rey scrunched her face at him.

“And yes, THE Han Solo.”

“I wish Han Solo was my dad. I want to be a pilot someday to fight for the Resistance.” She carefully enunciated every syllable of ‘resistance.’

Ben shuffled his feet again, wiggling his fingers uneasily. “I’m sure your dad is a really good dad. Probably better than Han Solo.”

Rey pondered this for a second. “He is a good dad,” she agreed. “But I bet Han is too.”

Ben’s chest tightened momentarily, and he ignored her comment. “Come on, we need to clean you up,” he said instead, pushing open the door to the primary medical office. A med tech looked up from his desk as they walked in.

“Good afternoon, Ben. What have we here?” He asked softly, coming around the desk to greet them, kneeling down in front of Rey. He produced a clean tissue from his pocket, which she gratefully took and held to her still bleeding nose.

“Hello Nakiah. There was an accident while she was playing with some of the other kids. Nothing bad, I think. Just some cuts and blood. Bumped her nose pretty hard.”

Rey shot a befuddled glance at Ben, her thin eyebrows knitting together. “An’ mah head,” She added in a nasally voice, while pinching the bridge of her nose.

Ben frowned at her. “You didn’t tell me you hit your head,” he said, concern coloring his voice.

Nakiah took Rey by the hand. “Let’s take a look, shall we? Get you cleaned up a bit. Thank you for bringing her, Ben. I’ll have someone bring her back to the dorms after.”

Ben’s mouth twisted up slightly and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “No need, Nakiah. I can bring her back.”

Rey looked back over her shoulder, watching Ben as Nakiah led her down a hallway before disappearing into an exam room.

Ben blew out a long breath and shook unexpected tightness out of his shoulders. Just as he relaxed against a wall, Luke turned the corner of the hallway. Ben’s shoulders tensed up again and he started to stand upright, before making a pointed effort to sag further against the wall. The corners of Luke’s eyes tightened as he eyed Ben’s insolent slouch, but he said nothing about it. He halted in front of Ben, and they stared at each other in silence for a beat. Ben crossed his arms across his chest, leaning further back against the wall.

Luke pursed his lips. “What are you doing here?”

Ben jerked his head towards the room that held Nakiah and Rey. “Kid got hurt.”

Luke raised his eyebrows, waiting for more details.

“Bunch of kids were playing some kind of game. Two of the kids crashed into each other, I guess. Girl’s got a bloody nose.”

Luke studied Ben before responding. “Anya came to get me. Said Rey and Mando got into an ‘altercation.’ She hinted that Rey started a fight.”

Ben shrugged. “Didn’t look like a fight to me. Mando seems a little whiny to me. Probably was just upset about the game.”

“If Rey was involved, I’m inclined to believe Anya.”

“Why is that?”

“Rey is…feisty.”

A corner of Ben’s mouth quirked up. “I noticed that, actually.”

Luke and Ben lapsed into silence. Ben watched Luke out of the corner of his eye, chewing on his lip. He roughly cleared his throat. “Uh, I noticed a supply shipment came in yesterday. Was there, um, anything else with it? Packages, letters…”

Luke paused before slowly shaking his head. “No, Ben. No letters. I’m sorry.”

Ben’s face crumpled slightly. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault,” he mumbled, gaze cast down. He looked up just in time to catch the guilty look on Luke’s face before he regained his usual mask of neutrality.

Ben inclined his head down the hallway. “Is Rey going to get into trouble?”

Luke raised an eyebrow, amused. “I thought it was an ‘accident.’” Ben tilted his head and made a face. “Well…”

Luke shook his head. “No, she won’t get in trouble. Not this time anyway.” He smiled lightly. “Truth be told, Ben, she reminds me of you. More energy than anyone knows what to do with and a temper to match. Strong in the Force, too. She’s been here just short of a year and I already moved her up three classes. She trains with children much older than her.”

“Well, I don’t think she should be playing with them,” Ben broke in. “She’s too small, they’re much bigger. She’s going to get seriously injured.”

Luke’s smile widened slightly. “I wouldn’t worry about her. Rey can hold her own.”

_Don’t disagree there,_ Ben added silently, absent-mindedly rubbing the bruise on his sternum.

“She needs help learning how to channel her energy. It might be too early to be concerned, but I worry about her emotional intensity,” Luke confessed.

“She’s just a kid.”

“True, but that much passion is dangerous if not dealt with properly,” Luke said with a circumspect glance at Ben. Ben tried to ignore the flare of resentment at the implication of Luke’s words.

Luke looked back down the hallway. “Rey could really use some guidance. Someone who understands her struggle.”

“Not me,” Ben balked.

“Why not?”

“I don’t have time,” Ben insisted. “I’m not going to babysit your little wild-child padawan. Besides, I’m not good with kids. They’re sticky and loud and cry about everything.”

“I disagree. I think you make a good teacher, when you can summon the patience.”

“I’ll think about it,” Ben grumbled.

At that moment, the door to the exam room opened and Rey walked backwards out of the room, facing Nakiah, who came out after her. She waved her arms wildly, her songbird voice raising and lowering as she chattered to Nakiah.

“And then, the box EXPLODED, and everyone was screaming, and- _oof_ ,” Rey crashed into Ben’s legs, turning around to scowl at him. Ben scowled back at her. “You should watch where you are walking, Rey.”

“Well I think you should have moved. You were in my way.”

Ben’s jaw dropped, incredulous. Nakiah coughed to cover a snicker. Ben just shook his head, looking at Nakiah. “So, what’s the verdict on Rey?”

“Her nose isn’t broken. Just some scrapes and bumps. A little knot on her head, but no concussion. She’ll be fine, but I think she should rest for the remainder of the day.”

 

“Really? You didn’t discover some past brain damage no one knew about?” Ben shot a dark look at Rey with a smirk.

Quick as lightening, Rey cranked a foot back and kicked Ben in the shins.

“OW,” he howled. “What is your problem?”

“It’s not my fault, the brain damage made me do it.”

Nakiah laughed out loud this time and Luke wearily rubbed his forehead. “Ben, don’t make me regret asking you to help.”

“Help with what?” Rey inquired.

“Ben has agreed to help you train.”

Ben bristled, “I absolutely will n-“

“Will truly appreciate this responsibility I’ve given you,” Luke interrupted, smoothing over Ben’s refusal. Ben glared at Luke over Rey’s head. Rey looked back and forth between them before settling on Ben, a decidedly skeptical look on her face.

Ben threw up his hands. “Yes, fine, whatever. Come on Rey, I have to bring you back to the dorms.” With one more miffed look at Luke, Ben spun on his heels and started down the hallway. Rey looked questioningly at Luke, thrown off-guard by Ben’s abrupt exit.

“It’s okay, Rey. You are dismissed.”

“Thank you, Master Luke,” Rey called out, sketching a quick bow before darting after Ben.

Halfway down the hallway, Ben faltered, feeling guilty about not waiting for Rey. He paused, watching her trot down the hallway after him. She caught up and then stopped by his side, head tilted all the way back to look up at him.

“You okay?” He asked gruffly.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “I’m _fine.”_ He nodded and took off down the hallway again, Rey practically running to keep up. Feeling guilty again, he slowed down. Rey suddenly halted.

“What’s wrong?

Suddenly timid, Rey shuffled on her feet. “Umm, actually, my head hurts a lot when I walk. Can I sit down for a while?”

Ben sighed wearily. “No. Come here.” He reached down and scooped her up. Rey made a face at him. “You don’t need to carry me. I’m not a baby.”

“Do you want to walk? I will put you back down and you can walk.”

“No,” she admitted.

“Okay, then stop complaining.” Ben resumed their journey back to the dorms. After a minute passed, Rey leaned forward against his chest, resting her head on his shoulder with a tiny sigh. By the time they reached the dorms, Rey was soundly asleep.

_I don’t even know where her room is,_ Ben grumbled to himself. He made his way to the wing where the younger children lived, walking slowly past each room to read the nametags on the doors. Finally, he found Rey’s. A quick knock on the door garnered no response, so he turned the knob, taking care not to jostle Rey. He gently set her down on what he hoped was her bed, pulling the covers over her and lightly tucking her in. He watched her sleep for a moment. _She looks like a little angel. I can’t believe she kicked me in the shins._ Ben grinned slightly to himself before backing out of the room and softly closing the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from I'll Keep You Safe by Sleeping At Last


	2. Things That Fly

_Black wisps of smoke curled around Ben. As they climbed their way up his legs, they hardened, transforming into razor sharp black coils, and burrowing through his skin into muscle and bone. Ben screamed in pain and dropped to his knees. The pain intensified as the black coils wrapped around his neck, crawling into his ears and snaking down his nose and mouth. Ben gagged and clawed at his face, trying to rip them free. He began to get lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. His vision began to fade to black, and Ben was glad. He begged for death._

_Ben could feel his life leave him, sucked away by the black creatures still infesting his body._

_“Ben Solo.” A deep, rasping voice shook him and suddenly the black coils ripped free, skittering into the darkness like cockroaches from the light._

_“Ben Solo.” The voice called again. Ben gasped in air and struggled to sit up._

_“Such a waste.” The voice drummed through his chest. “You dally with the Jedi. You will waste away while he has you wave sticks around with your left hand.” Disgust oozed from the voice that boomed out of the darkness._

_Ben finally caught his breath. “Who are you?” He spoke to the voice, his throat raw and bleeding from the black coils that had ripped through him._

_“Someone who will not waste your power.”_

_“My power?” Ben warmed with pride._

_The voice chuckled, the sound echoing around Ben from a dozen directions. “No need to be coy with me. We both know you possess greater power than your precious Master.”_

_“He’s not my master,” Ben harshly replied._

_The voice laughed again, a dark sound that chilled Ben’s blood. “Tell him that.” Fury exploded and burned through Ben._

_“You are no Solo. You are a Skywalker. You have the power of your grandfather. The power that deserves to rule. You were never meant to be a Jedi. You will never belong.” His voice rang in Ben’s ears, the reverberations growing dimmer until Ben was swallowed by dark silence._

Ben gasped awake, his eyes flying open in the darkness of his room. He jerked from his bed and stumbled to the adjoining bathroom, where he retched in the sink, still feeling the horrific pain of the black coils sinking into his body. He splashed icy water on his face and gripped the edges of the sink with trembling arms. He finally crawled back into bed, trying desperately to forget the voice from his dream. He lay exhausted, awake in the darkness for hours, until gray light filtered through his window.

He dragged himself to the mess hall a few hours later. A hot shower had done nothing to wash away his exhaustion or soothe his aching muscles. He collected breakfast in a haze, picking up his tray and turning towards the seating area. His stomach clenched as he surveyed the room. No empty tables. He spied the group of padawans closest to his age, including Tamden. Reluctantly, he walked over to their table. As he approached, their conversation dropped off, and two of the boys turned to watch Ben walk over. He nodded to Tamden, who gave him a tight smile and a nod back, and then set his tray down on the very end of the bench, as far away from the group as he could. He stirred his spoon through some porridge, trying to ignore the way they now spoke in low whispers and avoided making eye contact with him. Ben counted down the minutes until the group finished up their breakfast and left, letting out a long breath when the last person picked up their tray.

He tried to eat, but his stomach turned uneasily, memories of his dream last night flashing through his head. He distracted himself by looking around the mess hall, watching the other padawans in the hall. Most were clustered in groups or pairs, laughing and talking. _Bad idea. Don’t watch the people._ He went back to pushing his food around. _“You will never belong.”_ The voice from his dream echoed through his head.

“Good morning!” A voice chirped loudly to his right. He jumped, nearly knocking over his tray. Rey scrambled up on the bench next to him, using his arm to hoist herself up. She settled herself on the table, facing him with her short legs dangling over the edge.

“Umm…good morning,” he returned indifferently. Bemused, he watched her lean over his arm and pluck fruit off his tray and cram it into her mouth.

“Yes, please, help yourself.”

“Why are you sitting all by yourself?” Rey asked curiously. Her face held no trace of ridicule.

“Maybe I want to be by myself,” he responded with a pointed look at her.

She tilted her head at him like a bird. “No one wants to be by themselves.”

“Well, maybe I just don’t have any friends,” he said caustically.

Rey’s eyebrows knitted together and she pouted at him.

He sighed. “What?”

“I’m your friend,” she said quietly, looking down at her feet.

Ben blinked, then open and closed his mouth. He stirred his porridge around again. Rey peeked a glance at him.

He cleared his throat. “So I guess Master Luke wants me to help you.”

“Help me with what?”

Ben shrugged. “Jedi…stuff.”

Rey beamed at him and then hopped off the table. “Okay let’s go!”

“What? Not right now!”

“Why not?”

Ben didn’t have a good answer. He rubbed his haggard eyes and then pushed his hair out of his face. Rey was still watching him, waiting for a response.

“Okay. Right now. Why not.”

Oblivious to his apathy, she cheered and danced around in a circle. He lethargically stood up and began collecting his tray. She yanked on his tunic. “Ben, come ooooon.” He sighed in response. This was going to be a long morning.

Across the mess hall, Luke stood against the wall, observing the students. More specifically, observing his nephew and Rey. He chuckled to himself as she clambered up the table and snatched his food. After a few minutes, he watched them clean up and make their way out of the mess hall, Ben trudging along and Rey hopping by his side, alternately pulling on his tunic, poking him in the side, and trying to swing from his arms like a monkey. Even from across the room, Luke could see the dark smudges under Ben’s eyes. He looked especially pale today. Darkness hovered around Ben like fog. He knew it was time to talk to his sister again. He couldn’t keep this from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from We Could Be Friends by Freelance Whales


	3. What It Meant to Be Loved

“Mmpff!” Rey tumbled to the grass for the eighth time that morning. This time, she didn’t get up right away. She flopped onto her back in the grass, arms and legs spread out in every direction. Ben’s shadow fell over her and she squinted at him against the morning sun.

“What are you doing? Get up.”

“No! I’m tired. I want to do something else.”

“That’s not how training works. You do it until you get it right.”

Rey sat up, drawing her knees to her chest and sighing dejectedly. “I’m never going to get it right.”

Ben plopped down on the grass next to her. “You’ll get it. We just have to think of a different way for you to get it.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.” Ben tried not to roll his eyes at the concept of a five year old disputing his logic. He stood up, offering a hand to help her off the grass. “Come on, let’s go practice somewhere new.”

Ben led Rey to the edge of the nearby forest, stopping short of the tree line. “Okay, find me the biggest rock you can pick up.” Rey grimaced at him, but didn’t argue, walking a few steps off to look around. Ben went to find one for himself, only to turn around and find Rey staggering under the weight of a sizeable rock. He picked the grey stone out of her arms, its surface cold and rough in his hands.

“How far do you think I can throw this rock?”

Rey furrowed her brow, and then pointed at a tree about five feet away.

“Thank you for your confidence, I’m so flattered,” Ben said dryly, thinking not for the first time that he was glad she had a healthy grasp on sarcasm.

“Watch.” He turned and launched the rock into the air with an underhand swing. It sailed over the treetops, landing far out of view in the forest.

Rey gasped, her bright hazel eyes wide with astonishment. “How did you do that?”

“The Force. I thought about how far I wanted to rock to go, and then I used the Force to push it through the air.” Ben handed her a smaller rock. “Throw this rock without using the Force, but throw it as far as you can.”

Rey drew back her arm, throwing the rock overhand with a little grunt. It sailed a fair distance before clattering to the ground.

“Okay, good. Now find the Force, and then let it flow through you. Then-“

Rey cut him off. “How do I find the Force?”

Ben looked perturbed. _What has Luke been teaching them this whole time?_

“Close your eyes. Now in your mind, find the place inside you that is quiet. Quiet like nighttime.”

Rey scrunched her eyes shut, her face screwed up in a look of concentration.

“No, you’re trying too hard. Pretend you are in a room full of things. You ignore all the things and find just the one thing you are looking for. You know exactly where it is. When you start walking, you’ll walk right towards it.”

Rey’s face smoothed out a degree, but she seemed stumped. With some misgiving, Ben reached out through the Force, gently guiding her concentration in the right decision. He felt something _click_ , and Rey’s face relaxed, her breathing becoming measured and calm. “I found it,” she whispered with a hint of wonder. “It _is_ quiet. Quiet and gray. Like before the sun comes up.” Ben frowned to himself over her choice of wording.

“Good job, Rey! Okay, you can still be in the quiet place, but with your eyes open.” Rey blinked her eyes open, looking down at the rock in her hands. Without hesitation, she drew her arm back and launched into the air. It flew through the air, easily clearing the tree tops, and fell out of sight. She whipped her head to Ben, beaming. He grinned at her. “You did it. Wasn’t that easy?”

Her eyes glowed. “Again, again!”

* * *

 

Luke stood in front of his window, watching Ben and Rey train on a grassy slope not far off. He repeatedly had her balance on one foot, while he gently pushed her. He recognized the technique; Ben wanted Rey to learn to use the Force to keep her balance. He watched, somewhat entertained, as Rey fell over every time. _He’ll figure it out._

His thoughts were interrupted by a quiet chiming behind him. He turned and pressed a button on his holographic transmitter. A small hologram of his sister appeared over it.

“Hello, Leia.”

“Hello, Luke. I’m sorry I missed you earlier. How are you? You sounded strained in the message you left me this morning.”

Luke sighed deeply. “I’m not going to mince words, Leia. It's your son. He is in danger of the dark side. I can feel it all around him. He is having nightmares with increasing frequency.”

Leia pursed her lips. “My son… _your_ nephew, Luke. And your padawan.” She shook her head, dismissing the line of thought. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I didn’t want you to be…caught unaware.”

“ _Unaware?_ You say it like he’s already turned to the dark side. What are you doing about this?”

“I asked him to help me train a very young padawan. She is extremely Force-sensitive. And snappy enough to keep Ben in line. You should see her, Leia. She’s the tiniest thing, skinny as a rail. And yesterday she kicked him. In the shins. He deserved it.” Luke chuckled at the memory.

Leia smiled at the mental image, but only briefly. “How does that help him?”

“Responsibility has its own benefits. And as a distraction. Something to invest in. I want him to feel like I trust him.”

“But you don’t,” Leia stated, rather than asked.

Luke’s mouth twisted. “I don’t trust his thoughts or his emotions. He is brimming with anger and bitterness. He is easily provoked.”

“Not trusting his thoughts or emotions is the same thing as not trusting _him,_ Luke.”

Luke looked away. “Leia, I don’t want him to know about you and Han.”

Leia clasped her hands in front of her, visibly fighting off tears.

“Is it that bad, Leia?”

“It’s worse. He’s gone, Luke. This isn’t just a bad fight. He’s really gone.” She wiped a stray tear away and roughly cleared her throat.

“I’m sorry, my dear sister,” Luke murmured. “But this is all the more reason to keep it from Ben. His attachment to you and Han is so much stronger than any familial attachment a Jedi should have.” He stopped short. Leia didn’t need all the details. She didn’t need to be reminded that Ben being a Jedi meant essentially losing her son.

Leia nodded. “I understand, Luke. I agree, for now. But we can’t keep this from him forever.” Luke nodded in agreement.

“Let me know if anything…happens? I miss him, Luke. I miss him so much. I just wish he could be at home. I wish Han would come home. I miss my boys.” Her voice broke on the last word and she covered her eyes. “I have to go, Luke, thank you for calling.”

Her hologram image vanished. Luke stared at the empty air where it had been. He had never seen his sister cry like that. Dark thoughts brewed in him. “ _Trouble is ahead,_ ” a quiet voice whispered inside him. Luke looked back out the window. Rey and Ben were no longer on the grass. “I wish I knew what to do,” he said out loud.

* * *

 

Ben collapsed onto his bed, too tired to bother getting up to close the door. His hard mattress felt soft right now. His whole body ached. The last week of nightmares were beginning to take their toll. He had a training session to go to still that day. _I’ll just rest my eyes…for a little._ He drifted off almost instantly.

_“Ben,” the voice from the darkness called him. Ben slumped onto the black ground beneath him, staring into the void. The very air felt heavy, as if the darkness was a tangible force, crushing him alive._

_“What do you want?” He asked hoarsely._

_“No, Ben. What do_ you _want?”_

_Ben paused. "I want my dad,” he confessed, tiredly. The voice hissed in revulsion. The hisses echoed around him, giving him the impression that he was in some kind of chamber._

_“You are still a weak boy,” the voice reviled him. “Wishing for the arms of your father when faced with the dark, like a pathetic child hearing voices in the wind.”_

_Ben didn’t have the energy to argue with the voice. “Then I suppose I am weak.”_

_A violent wind gusted around him, tearing across his skin. “You carry the blood of Darth Vader in your veins!” The voice railed at him. Ben cried out as the top layer of his skin was ripped away. Every nerve was on fire._

_“Your weakness is your love for a father that clearly wants nothing to do with you.” Those words stung Ben more than the burning rawness of his ruined skin. His chest caught and he bowed his head._

_“Embrace your power, Ben. The power of Anakin Skywalker, of Darth Vader, and the rejection of your father will be dust under your shoes. It will be nothing to you.”_

Ben jolted awake, he could feel his face was wet with tears. Shaking, he lay on his bed, trying to push away the memory of the dream.

 _“I want my dad,”_ he had confessed to the voice. And it was true. Ben recalled waking up in the middle of the night, screaming out from the terror of dark voices that haunted his dreams. His father’s arms, scooping him up, wiping the tears off his face, carrying him to his parents’ bed. Ben would fall asleep, warm, tucked between his father and his mother, a feeling of utter safety. A feeling he had never felt since.

Ben scrubbed the tears from his face, dragging his hands through his thick hair in frustration. On an impulse, he pulled a packet of letters out of his drawer. All were addressed to him in the elegant hand of his mother. He pulled out one of the older letters, tenderly unfolding it, his eyes drinking in the sight of both of his parents’ writing on the page.

“What are those?” A small voice chimed behind him.

Ben started, quickly stuffing the packet of letters back into his desk drawer and turned to see Rey standing in his doorway. He scowled at her.

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you to knock?”

“Yes.” She flounced over to his side and stared up at him with her wide, hazel eyes. “What were you looking at?”

Ben hesitated for a heartbeat before opening the drawer and pulling the letters far enough out for Rey to get a quick look at them before shutting it again. Her eyebrows pulled together as she returned her gaze to him.

“They’re letters,” he explained. “From my parents. Mostly my mom. I think she feels guilty for making me be here.”

“Why do they make you so sad?” She asked, tilting her head inquisitively.

A little ripple of shock went through him. “I’m not sad.”

“You are a bad liar, Ben Solo.”

He shook his head at her with an exasperated noise. “My mom doesn’t send them anymore. Or my dad. No letters. Not for a while now.” He sat down on the edge of his bed.

“They still love you,” Rey told him confidently.

“Yeah? How do you know that?”

She huffed. “Because they’re your parents! They will always love you.”

“Is that right.”

“Yes. That is what parents do. They love their kids forever.”

“How did you get so wise, Rey?”

“Wise?” She scrunched her face at him.

“Wise means like, smart. But about life. Not smart like knowing lots of facts. Smart like knowing about life and people.”

Rey pondered his question for a moment. “I must have been born like this,” she stated matter-of-factly.

Ben let out a throaty chuckle before poking her in the stomach. “What are you doing here, you little twerp? Did you just come to bug me?”

“Don’t tickle me. I hate being tickled.” Rey giggled and jumped away.

“Well you shouldn’t have come here, because I share my room with…THE TICKLE MONSTER!” Ben reared his hand up like a menacing creature before scooping Rey up and tickling her mercilessly. She shrieked with laughter, squirming in his grip. “NO, stop! Stop!” She implored him. She gave his hand a hard _smack_ with her own.

“Ow! You hit me!” Ben set her down, pretending to nurse his hand.

“You tickled me! I should hit you again.”

“You are so violent. Okay, no more tickling. But only if you tell me what you’re doing here. You should be in class or something.”

“I just came to check on you.”

“…To check…me…” Ben was genuinely confounded. _This is a new game._ “To check me for what?”

“Nooo,” she drawled, “to check ON you.” Ben continued to stare at her, eyebrows raised.

“To see if you were okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“I dunno. I just thought I felt you being sad.”

A thread of foreboding shot through him.

“I’m fine,” he curtly responded.

Rey rolled her eyes at him and headed out his door, trailing over her shoulder “Fiinee but you don’t need to be so grouchy about it. You are always so crabby. Crabby, crabby…” Her admonishments disappeared as she left down the hallway.

Ben shook off his dark thoughts. He didn’t want to think about the implications of Rey being able to sense his emotional state. She was far too young to have honed that kind of skill. _Coincidence._

Ben looked at the clock on his desk and gasped. He rushed around his room gathering his equipment. “I’m going to be so late,” he muttered, dashing out of his room and slamming the door behind him.

The next morning, Ben groaned awake, feeling sore and abused from his particularly long and demanding training session the day before. _No dreams_ , he sighed with relief. He lay in his bed, enjoying the sensation of waking without excruciating pain. As he left his room for breakfast, he noticed the white edge of a piece of folder paper sticking out from beneath his door. He pulled the note out with the tip of his boot, bending down to retrieve it.

“Ben” was scrawled along the front in a shaky hand. He quickly unfolded the paper, scanning the contents.

_“Deer Ben,_

_Iam ritin you a leter now. Dont be sad._

_Frum Rey”_

He pressed his fist along his mouth, covering up the wide smile beneath it as someone walked past. _Standing in the hallway like a damn fool because a five-year-old wrote you a letter. Her spelling is atrocious._ Ben mentally added “teach Rey how to spell” to the list of things he wanted to work on with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Mother & Father by Broods.


	4. Pass Me the Kerosene

Luke eased himself down into a chair behind his desk, sighing heavily and massaging his hands, wishing he was still back in his bed, asleep. His joints ached this time of the year, as the weather started to get cold and wet, and the pain kept him awake. It made Luke feel very old.

He felt a twinge, and his head swiveled to look out his window just in time to see Ben stride past, barely more than a shadow in the early morning darkness. He leaned, craning his head to try to figure out where Ben was going, but he had already moved out of sight.

 _Going somewhere to meditate, hopefully. He does not do that nearly enough._ Luke pulled a rumpled, white envelope out of an inner pocket of his cloak. He smoothed the paper out with his weathered hand. Why his sister insisted on using the oldest, least efficient form of communication was beyond him. Something about the “loving gesture of writing a physical letter.” Luke harrumphed. He ran a calloused thumb over the elegant, looping script on the front of the envelope, which simply read “Ben Solo.” He held the letter a moment longer, before stuffing it into a locked drawer in his desk, with two other letters also addressed to Ben in the same hand. Guilt pinged through him. _You’re doing the right thing,_ he assured himself. Luke thought back to the last letter he had delivered to Ben, nearly six months before.

_Ben tore open the envelope, quickly scanning the letter. The excitement on his face slowly crumpled into a dejected scowl. “What’s wrong?” Luke asked Ben. “Nothing,” he rasped, quickly stuffing the letter back into the envelope, but not before Luke caught a glance at the end of the letter. Han’s addition, usually several lines of his languid scrawl, were noticeably absent from the bottom. The letter was signed simply “From Mother.” Ben crumpled the envelope and letter up and shoved it indiscriminately into his desk drawer, slamming the door shut so hard the whole desk rattled._

He had stormed around in a dark gloom for the entire next week, taking his fury out on the training fields, and the trainee that had the misfortune of being his sparring partner that week. The trainee left their first session with a broken arm. Ben left with an extra dishwashing shift for the next two weeks.

Luke gazed at the locked drawer like he could see through it to the letters inside. Things at home for Leia and Han were not good right now. Han wasn’t even at home, if what Leia said was still true. Leia would try to sugar-coat the situation for Ben, _she always was too easy on him_ , Luke thought. But Ben would see right through it, because he was Ben. Better for him not to know anything. _He is still far too attached to his family, anyway. He needs to devote all his energy to his training and learn focus and control before his parents are back in his life. Gods know he’ll need it._

 _Maybe I should talk to him about it?_ Luke thought about how that conversation might go and decided against it. He had just convinced him to take on Rey, and so far with good results. The girl seemed to chase away some of the gloom that followed him around. Luke just hoped it would be enough.

 

* * *

 

_The edges of his vision are clipped off, he only sees black in his periphery. He looks up at a towering figure. The image is blurry, with a disfigured face that fills Ben’s stomach with heavy knots of dread. The monster points an accusing finger at Ben._

_Red streaks through a velvety black sky, like birds of prey in the night. Ben knows they carry death on their backs. He could stop them. But he only watches. Worlds fall._

_Armies move in time with a melody only he knows. He directs power with every breath. His blood courses with domination._

_He marches through a dark hallway to a curved, silver room. His chest constricts--something precious has been lost. He rips holes in the room with a burning claw._

_A figure in white, blinding, like a star in his arms. He speaks to the star, but his voice is warped, stretching through time and space to recall an older power. He looks down at the lightsaber gripped in both hands. His. It bursts to life, thrumming and crackling with fire, searing red lines in his vision._

Ben came out of the dream slowly. No shaking. No torture. No tears. But everything in him felt upturned, like he was wearing all his clothes inside out, or looking through the wrong end of a telescope. His skin crawled. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed, wincing when his toes met the cold stone floor. He dressed quickly, pulling on his black tunic instead of his regular dark grey. He stopped to appraise the tunic. _I don’t even remember getting this._ Ben shrugged, grabbing his lightsaber from the shelf next to his door.

He stalked silently across the grounds of the training academy before halting on a flat patch of grass not far from the tree line of the forest. He breathed deeply, savoring the chilly tang of the approaching autumn and the rich, loamy scent of the forest. Morning stars glittered brightly in a clear sky that was slowly turning from cobalt to amethyst as the sunrise approached. Ben shook out his limbs, trying to release the tension and stiffness that had been building all week. He closed his eyes, sinking into the Force, meditating in the quiet morning for several minutes, before igniting his lightsaber. The blue blade was bright against the vanishing night as Ben practiced his forms, flowing from one stance to the next in perfect balance.

He felt a peace settle over him, a stillness long absent. His muscles unwound as he moved through his forms. For the first time in weeks, he was able to shut out memories of his nightmares, the disagreements with Luke, the loneliness that followed him around the academy like a shadow, even his ever-present anger. His mind was still.

**“Ben.”**

Ben tumbled out of his stance, shaking. It was the voice from the darkness. From his dreams.

 _I imagined it. I imagined it._ He tried to re-center himself in the Light side of the Force, but it slipped away from him like a squirming fish.

**“Ben.”**

Ben’s breaths started to come in short. _This isn’t real. This is a dream. Wake up. Wake UP. Please wake up._

The dark voice laughed, a rumbling, bone-grinding sound. Ben’s stomach twisted.

**“Oh Ben, you didn’t think I would be content to be relegated to your slumber forever, did you? You have much to learn, still.”**

The voice was in his head, realized. The world started to spin and Ben’s vision got hazy. _I’m crazy, I’m going crazy. I’m hearing voices._

**“No, Ben. You are blessedly sane. For the most part. You may call me Supreme Leader.”**

_I will do no such thing,_ Ben returned, imbuing his mind with as much venom as he could muster.

**“Silence. I have no time for your ridiculous pubescent identity crises. You know who you are.”**

_I’m Ben Solo._

**“No, you are not some boy named for a dead Jedi and a mere smuggler. You are neither Light nor Dark. You are raw, unfiltered power. You will never use the fullest strength of your power here, in this pitiful excuse for a Jedi training academy. Luke Skywalker may be strong in the Force, but he is not worthy of being your teacher. You are barely 15 years old. When Luke was your age he was nothing, a farmer, with no concept of the Force. You are a veritable master in your own right, outpacing every other Force-user in this place, including your uncle. I would make you my right-hand man, the master of my Knights.**

_Knights?_

**“The Knights of Ren, my child. You will have the title and authority befitting of your power. You will rule worlds with me.”**

Ben was scrambling for a foothold in his own mind, a way to shove this monster out of his brain. The Supreme Leader’s presence spilled through his mind like an oily residue, leaving dark, slick marks at every turn. Ben felt the presence rifling through his mind, examining his deepest memories and darkest wishes, laying him out naked. He pushed hard for the Force.

_No, I will be a Jedi Knight._

**“And then what? You have no future as a Jedi. Your fate is much grander.”**

Ben strained with all his might for the Force, struggling to even brush any part of it.

“Your struggle taxes us both, Child of Vader.”

_I am Ben Solo._

“Very soon, you will have to make a decision. My emissaries will find you.”

 _Get. OUT._ With a gasp, Ben broke past the presence that called himself the Supreme Leader, diving headfirst into the power of the Force. He let it rush his mind, sweeping the dark power away, silencing its voice. Ben lurched over to a tree, bracing himself against the trunk while he emptied his insides.

* * *

 

Ben drifted through the rest of the morning in a stocked stupor. He tried to eat, but his stomach roiled with every bite. He briefly considered going to Luke. _Luke is so pure. He probably has never been tempted by the Dark. He doesn’t understand about anything else, this will be no different._ Ben wished for the umpteenth time that he had a best friend to talk to. Or just a friend. Or even a cat. 

Ben raised his head from his plate of uneaten food and searched the dining hall for Rey. Her head of tangled dark hair was nowhere to be seen. Ben shoved back from his bench, disposing of his food without looking at the students who were on the kitchen rotation that week. _Better go read up on my Jedi history so I don’t fail this oh-so-critical history test Luke is giving me next week._ Ben prickled at the idea of spending the next several hours reading dry facts about dead Jedi. Luke seemed intent on wasting his time with tedious activities. _Maybe because he doesn’t have anything better to offer._ Ben tried to stuff the thought away. _Luke is a good Jedi. He has seen many things in his life. He knows what he is doing._ Ben didn’t feel convinced.

Ben was walking down a dorm hallway when he heard a familiar sing-song voice behind him.

“Oh Benny, Benny, Benny!” Rey chanted as she skipped down the hallway towards him.

“Don’t call me that,” he snapped at her, over his shoulder, with unintentional vitriol. She abruptly halted, her face froze in a mask of shock, and then her lower lip began trembling. Ben internally groaned as he turned around and retraced his steps back to her. He knelt down in front of her. She was staring at the floor, face obscured. Ben crunched over, tipping his head in an attempt to see her face. He thought he saw tears collecting in the corners of her eyes.

“Rey,” he said softly. Slowly, she raised her face to look him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry I said it like that. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I just don’t like being called that. My name is Ben. Ben Solo. That’s what I want to be called.”

One corner of her mouth pulled downwards into a scrunching frown.

“How would you like it if I didn’t call you Rey? What if I called you…” Ben glanced up, searching for an example.

“…What if I called you Rey…ee,” he finished lamely. He slightly shook his head at himself. _Yes, brilliant. Reyee. You’re a veritable mastermind._

Rey just stared at him, expressionless. Then her face cracked into a wide grin and she giggled. Ben couldn’t help but smile back at her.

“Reyee. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!” She giggled again. “You’re bad at this.”

“I’m _bad_ at this? You can do better?” Ben responded with mock offense.

“Yes.” Rey folded her hands over her chest and leaned forward, her tiny face thoughtfully scrunching up.

“Benny Boo. Beno! Bumpy Nose Ben.”

Ben interrupted her with a loud chuckle. “Bumpy Nose Ben? Where are you coming up with this?”

Rey just reached out and plunked a finger against the bridge of his nose. “Bumpy nose.”

He reached up and rubbed the spot where he broke his nose several years before. It hasn’t set quite right, and the end result was slightly crooked. He pretended to scowl at her. “Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to make fun of other people’s faces?”

“I’m not making fun,” she replied with complete seriousness. “You _do_ have a bump on your nose. And you are tall. And skinny. And grumpy. Like a stick.”

Ben opened his mouth, almost speechless. “A stick?? I’m not always grumpy! Why are sticks grumpy?”

“You’re very grumpy today.” She peered at him with a knowing look that Ben found unsettling.

“And sticks are grumpy! They just aaare,” she finished in a sing-song voice.

He ruffled her hair. “Now _you’re_ being silly.”

“Heeey” Rey squealed, combing her hair back into place as she darted away. She made another scrunchy face at him.

“Don’t you have a class to be at?”

Rey huffed and planted her hands on her hips, rolling her eyes towards the ceiling. “Yeeesss.”

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” Ben asked, with exaggerated outrage. In response, Rey dramatically rolled her eyes, her entire head moving with her.

Ben sprang up, taking a menacing step towards her. “You don’t just roll your eyes at Ben Solo.”

Rey’s eyes lit up and she took off running down the hallway. Ben bounded after her. “Come back here, you little sassafras.”

She gave a laughing shriek, the sound of her voice echoing down the hallway.

_She covers an awful lot of ground for being about the size of a grasshopper._

Rey disappeared around the corner of the hallway and Ben skidded around the corner after her. She was standing just outside the open double-doors at the end of the hall, hands on her hips again. He reached out to grab her by the shoulders.

“Ben the Broody Hen!” She shouted at him before she spun out of his grasp and ran outside.

“Why do you know so many words? You shouldn’t know that many words. You’re too young to know what a broody hen is.” He darted off after her again.

“Is ‘cuz I’m so smart,” she called out, looking over her shoulder long enough to stick out her tongue at him.

Rey rounded the corner of the building and Ben followed her, laughing, only to slam to a stop in his tracks when he saw what was on the other side. A cohort of padawans, all older than Rey, were practicing forms in neat rows on the grass. On the other side, Luke stood silently, his arms folded across his chest, hands tucked into his cloak. Rey dashed up to Luke, falling into place on the end of one of the lines.

Luke was talking to Rey as she assumed a stance, but Ben only caught “you’re late.” Rey had the good sense to at least appear sheepish, mumbling an apology to Luke. Luke looked across the training ground at Ben, the hint of a disapproving frown on his face. Ben scowled back at him before turning to leave. As Ben stalked away from the training ground, he heard Rey’s chiming voice call out a cheery “Bye Ben!” If he had looked back, he might have seen the troubled look on Luke’s face as he watched Ben stride away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Romeo by Until the Ribbon Breaks  
> Everyone who left comments on my last chapter, I <3 you all, you made me feel glowy all night :)


	5. "What's the Worst Thing In the World?" You Said

Ben weakly blocked Luke’s heavy, two-handed blow and retreated again from the onslaught, skirting the inside edge of the training circle. The familiar thrum of his lightsaber and the satisfying electric crash of crossing blades did little to pull him out of his mental haze. His dreams the night before had been a seemingly endless stream of physical and psychological torture, with no apparent purpose besides making him suffer. The Supreme Leader forced him to kill people he knew, one by one. If Ben refused, he tortured him until Ben was within an inch of losing his sanity. When it was his father’s turn, Ben held out the longest, long enough for him to wake up. He kept telling himself he wouldn’t have given in. Thankfully, Rey didn’t make an appearance in his nightmares.

Luke continued to swing at Ben, but all Ben could see were the faces of the people he betrayed to prevent his own pain. A hot pain flashed on Ben’s bare forearm, yanking him back to reality. Luke had just barely grazed the skin. Ben looked up to see Luke staring at him, his mouth slightly open in shock. His shock quickly melted to frustration.

“Ben, what is wrong with you this morning? You’re barely focused.”

Ben snorted. “As if you would actually care if something was truly wrong.”

“Of course I would, you are my student.”

“I’m also your nephew,” Ben responded in a low voice.

“I can’t treat you like my nephew, it would be favoritism,” Luke said, sounding strained.

“Yeah, well, maybe I need you to,” Ben said roughly, looking down at his feet as he ground the heel of one boot into the packed dirt.

Luke regarded him. “You need to move past those selfish impulses, Ben, and let go of all attachments.”

Ben’s mind flared with the hot pain of rejection and the familiar, bitter taste of resentment.

 **“You could kill him, right now.”** The gravelly voice of the Supreme Leader boomed in Ben’s head. He tamped down his panic, hoping none of it spread to his face. Unbidden, images of him slicing his lightsaber through Luke’s body sprang into his head. His stomach turned over and he pushed the images away as hard as possible. Dark laughter echoed in his head. He abruptly spun away, retracting his lightsaber as he hurried away from the training grounds. He waited for Luke to call after him but it never came.

* * *

 

Luke shut the door of his bedroom behind him a little too hard. He settled himself on the floor, cross-legged, and attempted to meditate. Thoughts of Ben interrupted his peace. Never had one person created so much conflict and confusion within him. Ben was his nephew, yes, but Luke was also a Jedi, and had to resist the deep pull of familial ties. Luke did love Ben, but he had to set an immaculate example for him, as well as the other students. But many days, such as this one, Luke wondered if should ignore those rules and try to address Ben’s instability from a different angle, as his uncle rather than his teacher. Luke knew Ben was probably still visited by the occasional nightmare, as he had when he was a child. Luke had some theories about the power responsible for Ben’s temptation by the Dark side, but none he could confirm.

 _I have to figure out what to do before it gets worse, before the temptation is a constant presence in his life. And what to do about Rey._ Luke had put Rey in Ben’s care, thinking the Light-filled little girl would rub off on him, somehow.  Ben would never willfully draw such a bright soul into the darkness with him. He was troubled, but he was also deeply compassionate and caring. Luke thought if Ben spent time teaching Rey the ways of the Force, using the Light side for her own good, it would pull him further from the Dark. That it would encourage peace, patience, and forgiveness. But instead, Rey and Ben had formed a connection that too closely resembled a Force-bond for Luke’s comfort. He began to wonder if bringing Rey into Ben’s life had been an immense mistake.

The soft chime of his holographic transmitter halted his thoughts. He looked at the display and accepted the call at once. Leia’s regal form appeared.

“Leia,” Luke greeted her. “This is unexpected.”

“Luke,” she responded warmly. “This is unexpected for me too.”

Luke’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t understand. I’m pleased to see you, but why are you calling?”

“Luke, is all well at the Academy?” Leia in a tone that hinted she already knew the answer. Sometimes Luke forgot that Leia was his twin, and probably just as Force-sensitive as him. She always did have an uncanny knack for being able to sense his turmoil.

Luke sighed, wishing he could tell her everything that weighed on his mind, like he used to so many years before.

“Luke,” Leia added softly, “I don’t want to talk to Master Luke, the Jedi. I want to talk to Luke Skywalker, my dear brother. I know you are troubled.”

Luke’s resolve crumbled.

“Leia,” he began slowly, “I never knew how hard running the Academy would be. Not the day-to-day concerns, I have a superb staff. It’s the heavy responsibility. This academy is home to nearly a hundred children, all Force-sensitive. They all have the potential to be seduced by the Dark side. The power to destroy or build the peace and safety of the New Republic is here, in my camp. And I had the temerity to think I should assume responsibility for them and their training. And Ben. Oh, Ben. His strength terrifies me, Leia. Too often, I fear he balances on the razor-sharp line between the Light and the Dark. I can feel it. Sometimes I think he trusts me, sometimes I think he doesn’t. Sometimes I think he shouldn’t trust me.”

“Luke, don’t say that,” Leia gently reprimanded him. “You are full of wisdom, and you are doing the best you can.”

 _Am I?_ Luke didn’t share his last thought.

“I have to return to my students. Leia, I can’t convey my gratitude for your patience and love.”

“You don’t need to, Luke. Let’s speak again soon.”

Luke nodded with a small smile, pressing a button to end the transmission.

He spent several more minutes in silence, hoping answers would come to him in his meditation. 

* * *

“Move this foot a little to the left,” Ben instructed Rey, pointing at the foot in question. She pivoted her foot slightly, face tight with concentration as she shifted her weight throughout her toes and heels, trying to achieve the stance Ben taught her. 

“Good, now raise your blade up like I showed you.”

Rey followed his instruction, paying rapt attention as he showed her how to adjust her grip on her small, practice lightsaber, having her move through the forms he had been teaching her that week. She was a quick learner, and within an hour they moved on to much more complex movements. He ended their training session with a short duel. She did delightfully well, easily responding to every attack, even when he added in moves she had no experience with. He was very pleased with her progress.

They sat down on the grass under the warm sun for a break. Ben found his thoughts wandering to his fight that morning with Luke, and the Supreme Leader’s gruesome intrusion on his thoughts. Ben felt his mind was no longer a safe place, and that it no longer belonged to him. The sensation made his skin crawl and terror flare up inside him.

Ben turned sharply to Rey. “Have you heard of mind defense?”

“Mind…defense?” Rey’s tiny mouth wrapped uncertainly around the words.

“I’ll take that as a no, then.”

“What does that mean? ‘Mind defense?’”

“Sometimes, Dark-side users try to steal information from your mind. Like reading your mind. It’s not like sensing someone’s emotions, this is much worse.”

Rey’s eyes widened slightly with alarm. “I don’t want that to happen.”

“I don’t want that to happen to you, either. That’s why I’m going to show you how to keep someone out of your head. But Rey? You _cannot_ tell Master Luke. He doesn’t know that I can do this. It has to be our special training secret.”

Rey gave him a toothy grin. “I love secrets,” she whispered in a conspiring tone.

“And Rey, this will hurt. So if you don’t want to do it, it’s okay.”

“Why will it hurt?”

“Because, to practice, I have to try to read a thought from your mind and you will have to fight me. Fighting with our brains isn’t like fighting with lightsabers, it hurts all the time.”

Rey’s mouthed a silent “oh.” Her eyebrows drew together. “Let’s do it.”

Ben almost laughed at the look of intense determination on her face. “Think about something I don’t know. Think about your favorite thing to do at the Academy. I’m going to try to push into your mind and find the idea. But you don’t want me to get it. It’s like tug-of-war for your brain.”

Rey nodded grimly, lips narrowed.

Ben reached one hand out towards her head, trying as gently as possible to push into her psyche. He was pleased to immediately encounter a wave of resistance, which he easily pushed through. Rey let out a small grunt, little veins on her forehead pulsing with effort.

He waded through her mind, assaulted on every side by vivid thoughts and memories. Everything in her mind was brighter, louder, more intense. Thoughts and images melted into a colorful riot of sensation, swirling around him like a shimmering blizzard. It was somewhat disorienting. Ben struggled to discern the structure of her thoughts and memories, searching around for thoughts of the Academy. When he snagged upon her favorite activity, he receded from her mind slowly, trying not to cause any extra pain. Rey let out a relieved sigh as he untangled himself from the cacophony of her head.

“Your favorite thing to do is train with me,” Ben stated, words stained with surprise.

“Yeah, of course!” Rey chirped at him. “Wow, I want to learn to do that. It did hurt though.” She rubbed her temples.

“Teaching you how to take out memories is way down the road, Rey. It’s something I hope you don’t learn for a very long time.”

“Why?” Rey almost whined.

Ben hesitated before answering. “Because doing what I just did, it can lead to using the Force, in a…bad way.”

“Like to the Dark side?” Rey said, disturbingly unfazed by the idea.

“Something like that. It can be dangerous.”

Rey absorbed this information without comment.

“Ready for the next step?”

She nodded to him.

“I’m going to go back in for another idea, but this time, when you feel me going into your head, I want you to scoop me up and shove me out.”

“Scoop you up?” Rey raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Like scooping up a big pile of leaves or clothes. You have to make sure you get all the little pieces and throw them out all at once. It will be hard, it will feel more like you’re trying to scoop up an armful of water. But if you do it fast enough, it will work.”

“Okay,” Rey nodded smartly. “What should I think about?”

“Think about the thing you miss most from your home.”

Rey wiggled on her seat, like she was anchoring herself in the grass. “I’m ready.”

Ben raised his hand again, pressing back into her mind. This time her resistance was tenfold. Ben marveled at her tenacity. Pushing against her psyche was actually challenging. Ben’s hand hovered closer to her head as he redoubled his efforts, looking for memories of her home. He caught sight of a pair of warm faces, beaming down at him. _Family…her parents?_ Ben barely finished the thought before he felt himself being shoved out of her head. He tumbled along, scrambling to keep a hold in her mind, but she was too strong. The sharp blast of pain as she thrust him out was followed by a deeper stab in his head. _She was in_ my _head_. He wasn’t sure if he should panic or cheer.

Ben stared at Rey in stunned silence.

She looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Well?”

“Uh,” he faltered, “you miss your parents the most.”

Rey nodded, a melancholy look passing over her face. Ben regretted picking that question for him to find.

“I miss them a lot,” she said with a small sigh before looking at him. “You miss your parents, too,” she informed him. “You miss having dinner at home while your parents said funny things to each other and then act mad, but they really aren’t. And then you guys would sit outside and play a game...I’m not sure which game. I couldn’t tell.”

Ben’s mouth hung open as he stared at her in outright shock. He _had_ been thinking of his parents while in her head. She had snagged one of his deepest yearnings out of his head without even realizing what she was doing. _I wonder if Luke truly understands how strong she is. As strong as me. Maybe stronger._

“You,” he began, forcing a light-hearted tone, “are going to be a very scary Jedi someday.” He poked her playfully on her shoulder, pushing her off balance.

“Hey! Stop!” She shoved his shoulder, straining against him with all her weight.

He jumped up, grabbing her arms and swinging her around in a circle while she let out a gleeful shout. “You think you can push me over? You’re the size of a little, baby birdy!” She laughed in response, squealing when he let go of her. She flew through the air for several feet before he reached out with the Force and gently set her down. Ben chuckled as she stumbled around, dizzy from the spin.

“C’mon, birdy, we’ve got to get back before Master Luke thinks we ran away.” Rey acquiesced, skipping over to his side.

“Ben?”

“Hmmm?”

“You’re the best teacher ever.” Rey flashed him a cheeky grin before bounding away through the grass back to the main grounds. Ben smiled, and found himself hoping he would get to be her teacher for many more years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much everything just gets darker from here. Time for all the hurts.  
> Chapter title from Charlotte Manning by Murdershoes


	6. A Blackbird Over My Door

Ben shifted uneasily in front of the door to Luke’s office. He had unsuccessfully looked for him all over the academy; his office was the last place he had to check. Ben knocked, but received no answer. Hesitantly, he opened the door to the small room and stepped inside. Bright afternoon light filtered through the partially-drawn curtains, but Luke was not around.

_I’ll just wait for him._

Rey was right, Ben did miss his family, and terribly. The academy was a lonely place for him, and now the Supreme Leader’s presence seemed to lurk around every corner. Ben was hoping a change of scenery and a break might help him clear his head. Chase away the nightmares and regain his balance. He wanted to ask Luke if he could take a trip home, even just for a week or two.

Ben eyed the two stiff-backed wooden chairs along one wall of the office and opted for the lightly padded chair behind Luke’s desk instead. He idly gazed around the room, noticing that one of Luke’s desk drawers was open. Bothered by the asymmetry, he went to shut it, but stopped short when he caught sight of something inside it. He pulled a stack of letters out of the drawer, three in total. They were all addressed to him, in his mother’s hand. He stood up from the desk so fast that the chair tipped backwards. Anger began to build inside him and he hastily ripped the envelopes open. The three letters were spread out over a period of six months. The most recent letter was dated just a few weeks ago.

_I asked him. I asked him if my mom had sent me letters. He said no. He lied to me. For months. Luke. Lied. To. Me._

Ben was shaken. He felt hot tears prickle at his eyes as he scanned the lost letters from the mother he thought had stopped writing. He heard the door quietly open and click shut. His head snapped up to see Luke, frozen in the middle of the room, staring in dismay at the letters Ben clutched in his shaking hands.

“You lied to me,” Ben growled past tears.

“Ben,” Luke began in a placating tone.

“You _lied_ to me. You let me think my mother, my own mother, was ignoring me.”

“I had a reason.”

“I’m sure you did,” Ben retorted, his chest hitching. “I can’t believe you. My own uncle. My supposed teacher and mentor. I _trusted_ you.” Ben roughly wiped away a tear before it could trickle down his face.

“Ben! Listen to me,” Luke implored. “I saw what happened after the last letter you got. You stormed around for a week. You broke Emelle’s arm! She’s still recovering. I didn’t want more reminders of your parents arriving at regular intervals, interrupting your training and your focus.”

“I know my parents are having…problems,” Ben whispered hoarsely. Luke briefly shut his eyes, knowing what was coming next. Ben easily picked up on his emotions, and he swallowed hard.

“More than problems?” Ben asked. Luke looked away.

“Luke! Tell me what is going on.”

“Your parents are separated, Ben. I’m sorry.”

Ben’s vision swam and he closed his eyes. Unwanted memories of his parents shortly before his mother sent him to Luke’s academy flooded his mind.

_Ben pressed himself against the wall, listening to his parents in the other room._

_“He’s fine, Leia,” Han insisted._

_“He’s not fine, Han. He’s struggling. He needs more than we can give him.”_

_“He’s my son, do you think I can’t take care of my own son?” Han replied hotly._

_“Don’t make this about you, Han!” Leia snapped, her voice growing louder with each word. “Ben is tremendously strong in the Force, he needs the kind of guidance you can’t provide!”_

_“Because I’m not Force-sensitive?”_

_“Yes!”_

_“So you’re saying I’m not_ enough _for him?” Han practically bellowed._

_“Keep your voice down,” Leia hissed._

_The rest of their conversation dropped to furious whispers, and Ben couldn’t make out what they were saying. But he’d heard enough._

The pain of loss lanced through Ben’s chest; he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

_“Don’t be weak, your anger will make you strong.”_ A slick voice whispered in his head. Ben didn’t stop to think, he grabbed ahold of his anger, letting the energy of his white-hot fury blast away his sadness. He took a deep, gulping breath, and then settled a burning glare on Luke.

“You knew,” Ben accused Luke, advancing around the desk. “You knew about my parents, but you didn’t tell me. You let me think things were fine. And then you stole the letters my mother sent to me and lied to me about it. You’ve been lying to me for months about this, what else have you lied to me about? How many things do I think that aren’t true?”

“Ben, I kept the letters and I didn’t tell you about your parents because you lack control. Look at you!” Luke waved towards Ben. “You are barely maintaining control even as we speak.”

Ben roared with frustration and before he even realized what he was doing, grabbed one of the stiff-backed chairs and hurled it at the wall, imbuing his movement with a Force-push without even thinking about it. The chair splintered into hundreds of tiny pieces that rattled to the floor, utterly demolished. Ben’s eyes widened as his actions registered with him. Luke stood perfectly still, his legs and hands in a wide stance, one hand hovering over the lightsaber at his hip. Ben looked back at the tiny fragments of wood all over the floor. Then he turned and bolted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Ghost by Fleurie


	7. To Have Childish Peace

Ben jumped up onto the roof of the dorms. Usually, there was some climbing involved, but today he let his anger fuel the Force, and leapt to the roof with ease. He tumbled onto his knees and hands with a heavy thud, relishing the feel of the power, the power _he_ summoned, throw his own body weight through the air like a ragdoll. Ben’s refuge on the worst of days was a sheltered alcove between two eaves. The view from the spot was excellent, but he was relatively obscured from anyone below looking up, unless one knew where to look. He settled in his spot and closed his eyes. He gathered up all the frustration, pain, despair, and betrayal from the confrontation with Luke and crammed into a tiny corner in his mind, smothering it with bitterness and quiet anger. A cold calmness found him, and he opened his eyes with a deep breath, surveying the academy below. He watched students walk back and forth between the dorm and the other buildings. Some padawans about his age were clustered in a training ring together. One student, a gangly boy with red curls, waved his practice saber around in imitation of something, and the other kids laughed. He watched them flirt, joke, and generally not have a care in the world outside of the next spar session or what they were going to eat for dinner. He envied them.

With a jolt he realized two of the students were watching him. A girl and a boy, standing off just slightly from the rest of the group. They were both dressed in darker colors, lounging against the rails of a fence with a detached air, not talking to each other. Ben recognized them. The boy, Ryker, was his about his age. He was average in nearly every way, with a medium build, a forgettable but not unhandsome face, and ashy blond hair. The girl, Asha, was not. She was at least a year old than Ben, with silky black hair and curves on a tall, athletic frame. Ryker was not a particularly strong Force-user, he would make an acceptable but unremarkable Jedi. Asha, however, was much stronger in the Force than Ryker; she had a promising career ahead of her. Ben was mystified as to why she spent so much time with Ryker.

Asha glanced at the clowning redhead boy with obvious distaste. She swung her glance to Ryker. Without a word he pushed off the rail and they began walking his direction. The girl shot Ben a look. _Brilliant. I’ve been found out. What could they possibly want?_

Ben decided to make a run for it. He jumped off the roof with a controlled fall and landed from the two story jump with ease, just as Asha and Ryker turned the corner. Ben spun and started off, pretending he didn’t see them.

“Hey!” Asha called out, her smoky voice reverberating off the nearby building. _Damn._ Reluctantly, Ben turned around.

“Hi?”

Asha and Ryker shared a look, before stepping closer to Ben. He backed up as they advanced on him, until he felt the mossy, cold wall of the dorm building brush against his shoulder blades. He shifted uneasily on his feet, looking around to see if anyone was watching. No one in sight.

“I’m-“

“Asha,” Ben interrupted her. “And you’re Ryker,” he added, nodding at the boy. “I’m Ben-”

“Solo.” Asha finished, interrupting Ben this time. “We know who you are,” she snorted.

Ben studied them, waiting for some kind of explanation.

“We’re the emissaries,” Ryker stated simply.

Ben felt the air being sucked from his lungs.

 _“My emissaries will find you.”_ The rumbling voice of the creature that called himself the Supreme Leader echoed through his head.

“Leave,” Ben said sharply.

Asha tipped her head, her sleek hair slipping off her shoulder. Her eyes shifted unnervingly from vivid orange to black while she regarded him. _Like embers of a fire,_ Ben thought.

“We have much to discuss,” she informed him.

“I have no interest in what you want to discuss.” Ben started to edge around Ryker. Neither she nor Ryker moved to stop him.

She gave a breathless, throaty laugh. “A lie, and we all know it.”

“What do you want? Do you want me to join your little Supreme Leader fan-club?”

Asha seemed amused. One corner of her full mouth twisted up. “You will join us in nothing.”

“I’m glad you agree with me,” Ben retorted.

“You will lead us.”

Ben stopped edging. “Lead you? In what?”

“In everything,” Asha breathed, her eyes flaring.

Ben stared at her for several long seconds before slowly shaking his head.

“Make your decision later. First, meet Ryker and I in the abandoned dorms, tonight, thirty minutes after sundown. We have something you will want to see.”

“What might that be?”

A satisfied smile danced on Asha’s crimson lips. “Let’s just call it a family heirloom.”

“Who’s family?”

“Yours.”

A thousand questions sprang to Ben’s mind.                                                    

“Tonight, then,” she finished. Asha and Ryker stepped back in unison, their cloaks whirling around them as they strode away in the golden light of the early evening. 

Ben watched them until they were out of sight. He clenched and unclenched his fists as he stalked back to his room. Fear and fury coursed through him in equal portions. Fear of the creature that called himself the Supreme Leader. Fury that he had the nerve to interject these two students into his real life. Fear that Asha and Ryker were Dark side, hiding in plain sight, and Luke seemed to have no idea.

_Maybe I should tell him._

_If he doesn’t already know then he doesn’t deserve to know. He doesn’t deserve it. Not after what he did to you. This is his damn camp, how can he not know he is training Sith-apprentices?_

_I don’t actually know that the Supreme Leader is a Sith Lord. What else would he be?_

_What if I tell Luke and it gets him killed?_

Ben swallowed thickly. As it was, Luke was the only family that was still any part of his life. Luke might have kept his mother’s letters from him, but that wasn’t the only way to get into contact with him. She easily could call or visit. So could his father, but neither did. Ben felt his fury ripple again. He wasn’t even sure who he was angry at right now.

 _Everyone,_ he answered himself, with a strangled chortle. His throat felt very tight. _Crying won’t solve your problems._

Ben fairly vibrated with excess energy. He needed to move.

Ten minutes later, he faced a training remote, lightsaber in hand. He adjusted the settings on the remote, and then stepped away from the hovering device. Without warning, it emitted a flurry of imitation blaster fire. Without thinking, Ben batted away every bolt before it could reach him. The training remote zipped around him, firing frantically. Ben had amped up the settings as high as they would go. He wiped every blast out of the air like he was tying his shoes. Frustrated, Ben practiced with his eyes shut. _This is a little harder. Maybe. I can’t tell._

Minutes passed and Ben was bored again. He hadn’t missed a single blast. On impulse, he shut off his lightsaber, the beam retracting with a hiss. It created as small puff of dust as he dropped it to the ground and faced the training remote unarmed. The remote fired off another round. He dodged most of the blasts, catching others with the Force and shoving them off their trajectory. Little electric pings rained down around him in the ring.

He yelped when a missed blast stung him in the arm. He yelped again when he caught two more on the other arm a second later. The spots where he was blasted tingled painfully as he continued to dodge and shove the shots. The hits slowed him down a little, and he took four more to various body parts. Fresh anger bloomed inside him at every zap and he relished it.

The sun began to dip below the horizon, blazing through Ben’s line-of-sight. He had precious minutes to decide what to do about Asha’s invitation. _Her command, really. Damn that girl. Damn Ryker too. Why is this happening to me?_

“Training remote I82 OFF,” Ben barked at the device. The device continued to hum, spitting another round of fire at him. Ben jumped out of the way in time to miss most of the blasts, but several landed on his skin with electric hisses.

“TRAINING REMOTE I82 OFF." It zoomed around with another spray of blasts. Ben growled and wiped the blasts out of the air all at once.

_This piece of shit remote is taunting me._

_No, it’s just broken._

_It feels like it’s doing it on purpose._  

He lurched after it, trying to grab the infuriating device, but it zipped just out of reach. Ben reached out for his lightsaber and it hurtled into his hand with an audible smack. Ben reveled in the pain of his stinging palm. With an ugly snarl, he ignited the weapon and sliced the remote out of the air, bisecting it with several more swipes on the way down. Ben panted and extinguished his saber, looking around at the now-wedge shaped training remote laying in pieces around his feet.

_Luke will not be happy about this._

_Good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from People by Kye Kye. I promise huge Reylo feels are on their way...after another chapter or two.


	8. In My Bloodline

The sun set. Ben paced in his room, fists clenched and his shoulders tight. Apprehension and curiosity warred within him. His gaze floated to the window every few moments, at the imposing building two or three acres away from the dorms, where Asha and Ryker were undoubtedly waiting for him. Ben’s curiosity won out. He wanted to avoid recognition, so he put on a cloak he rarely wore, one he had found buried in the supply room. It was black and thick and far too large for him. He drew up the considerable cowl and tucked the excess fabric into a belt. Within minutes he was striding across the field towards the old dorms, lightsaber tucked into his belt, cloak flaring around him. He skirted the edges of the field, trying to stay as close to the shadows of the trees as possible.

He was slightly out of breath by the time he reached the abandoned building. The building was ancient, Ben was more inclined to call it a castle. Nearly six stories tall with imposing stone walls, Luke had deemed the building unfit for children less than a year after starting the Jedi academy. The old style of construction made for poor insulation of the already drafty building during the chilly winters. The complete lack of modern plumbing also had something to do with his decision.

The front doors groaned open on their giant, rusty hinges as Ben pushed just enough to slip inside. He was immediately enveloped in the damp, musty gloom of the building. The ceiling of the entry way loomed high above him, and Ben thought he heard bats fluttering in the exposed rafters. 

“Asha? Ryker?”

Orange eyes glittered from a dark corner and Asha stepped out of the thick shadows a second later, followed by Ryker. She carried a small, wooden box that was wound with a thick leather cord. She held the box out to Ben.

“A gift from the Supreme Leader. To remind you who you are.” She offered no further explanation.

"Hello to you too," Ben grumbled, accepting the box. A lumpy object wrapped in thick black cloth was inside. Perplexed, he quickly removed the bundle, roughly dumping the box on the stone floor. He unwrapped the object, letting the cloth drop to the floor. He stared at it in the dim grey twilight, unwilling to believe what he held in his hands.

He had seen a few pictures, and some holograph clips hoarded and viewed when his parents were asleep and thought he was too, but nothing prepared him for the experience of holding it in his own hands.

Darth Vader’s mask. _Anakin Skywalker’s mask. The Chosen One’s mask. My grandfather. The father of my father. My family._

Ben brushed his fingers along the mask like it was a living thing that might wake up and swallow him whole. In the few images he had seen, the glossy black material of Vader’s mask cut angular lines. The gloss was long gone, removed by the purging flame of a pyre. The angular features were now lumpy distortions, a mockery of the imposing image of its former owner. But the mask still carried an inseverable dread and the heady scent of power. Ben could feel it creeping up his hands and spreading into his limbs like a drug. 

Unbidden, images cut through his mind. His grandfather, regally sweeping through the halls of powerful warships, a black cape flaring out behind him. Commanding armies with a few words. Standing on a flight deck, surveying the galaxy, the resources of entire planets at his beck and call. Swinging his red lightsaber, his enemies meeting a quick death with a simple blow. Wearing _this_ mask.

 _Or maybe he preferred to torture them to death._ Ben smiled wryly. _I don’t really know. I wish I had known him. I wonder what I would be doing right now if he trained me instead of Luke?_

“You seem pleased.” Asha’s smoky voice snapped him out of his reverie.

“I don’t have words. How did the Supreme Leader get this?”

“The Supreme Leader is more powerful than you can imagine. He has quite the collection of Dark objects. Vader’s mask was a particular point of pride for him, though. You should appreciate the significance of this gift.”

Ben’s jealousy flared. “Gift? This mask belonged to my grandfather. _MY_ grandfather. If anyone has a claim to this mask, it is certainly not the Supreme Leader.”

Asha and Ryker shared a pleased look and she smirked at Ben, but he was looking at the mask again, reverently running his fingers along its surface.

“A gesture of good will, then. He recognizes your power, and he knows where you belong.” Asha moved closer to Ben, her ember eyes flashing with fervor. “You belong at his right-hand, surrounded by your Knights, as he rules the galaxy through the First Order.”

“First Order?”

“The New Republic’s reign will be short-lived, Ben,” Ryker broke in. It was the most words Ben had heard from him yet. “The New Republic is disorganized and overly ambitious. They don’t understand that democracy will never function on a galactic scale. It has failed before and it will fail again. They are weak. The First Order will replace them before long.”

“The Supreme Leader wants you, Ben.” Asha rested a hand on his shoulder and her voice softened, “Don’t be foolish. Don’t waste your strength on the losing side. You belong with us.” She ran her hand down his arm as she stepped away. Her and Ryker turned and left without another word, slipping silently through the door and into the night, leaving Ben alone in the thickening darkness. 

Ben’s dreams were blessedly empty that night, but he tossed and turned for hours, waking fatigued and frustrated. He shuffled to breakfast, taking up his usual spot at an empty table, trying to avoid the way the other students went out of their way to prevent walking past his table. Footsteps approached, and Ben looked up just as Asha and Ryker slid into the seats across from him, trays in hand.

He blinked at them several times as Ryker began to butter a roll and Asha peeled a piece of fruit. “What do you want?”

Ryker ignored him, stuffing half the roll into his mouth in one bite.

“You don’t want company?” Asha inquired without looking up from her fruit.

Ben didn’t argue. They ate in a somewhat companionable silence. Across the room, Ben caught sight of Rey, sitting on the end of a table filled with young padawans. She was watching him, arms crossed, and a dark look on her face. Her thorny gaze shifted to Asha and Ryker before returning to him. Ben mouthed “What?” and Rey scowled at him. Ben frowned back and avoided looking her way for the rest of the meal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hums imperial march*
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter title from Dark by Siv Jakobsen


	9. Bad Moon Rising

Ben read the same sentence for the thirteenth time in a row. His eyes blurred and he rubbed them, trying to get his mind to soak up this vitally important and fantastically dull information. He stared out his small window, willing the wind to blow fresh air into his stuffy bedroom. _This is useless. It’s this room, it makes me tired. Yeah, I’ll go sit outside._

As Ben began to gather books and notes, he heard loud shouts and the sound of running feet past his window. He peered out to see kids flocking towards a group of padawans in the training fields. Someone alarmed, Ben left his room to see what was going on. Two loud students sprinted past him, and he caught “Rey” in their shouts.

“Damn that girl.” Ben took off at a fast clip towards the group of children. As he jogged up, he saw Rey sprinting across the field, towards the abandoned dorms. Luke was bent over a child who was sitting in the dirt, bawling his eyes out.

“What happened?” Ben called out to Luke as he neared.

“Rey happened,” Luke grunted without looking at Ben.

“Rey hit Erleem in the face!” The nearest student exclaimed gleefully. Ben glowered at the student, who froze in his tracks and immediately stopped smiling. Ben glared at him for another second, just for good measure, until the student began to look a little pale.

“I’ll find her,” Ben shouted in Luke’s direction as he took off at a jog after Rey.

Ben followed the wisp of Rey’s Force signature up to the top of the building. The top floor was a labyrinth of corridors cut off by ceilings, eaves, and walls which slanted down at crazy angles. Once at the top of the stairs, he stopped following Rey’s Force signature and instead followed the sounds of tiny sniffles. He found her in a cramped room, sitting in an alcove near a narrow window with a wide sill. She was curled up with her arms around her knees, eyes rimmed red and little rivulets of tears running down her cheeks. Ben felt his heart crumble a little. A floor board creaked underfoot and Rey whipped her head towards the sound. She immediately glared at him, scooting so her back was to him.

“Go. Away.”

Ben chewed on his lip, hesitating in the doorway. Rey gave another pathetic sniffle and Ben stepped further into the room, folding up his lanky frame to fit into the tight space between the low ceiling and Rey. She shot him another watery glare and then resumed staring out the window.

They sat in silence for a minute or two.

“What happened?” Ben gently queried. Another silent minute passed. _I think she’s ignoring me._

Then Rey let out a shaky breath, shoving her tangled hair back from her dirty face. Ben spied a bloody scrape on her elbow and the beginnings of a bruise on the side of her face closest to him. She left muddy streaks across her face when she tried to wipe her tears away.

“Here,” Ben said, offering Rey the sleeve of his cloak. She grabbed his arm, her tiny hands barely making it half way around his forearm, and jerked his arm in a circle around her face, rubbing away the dirt and tears with the dark fabric. She shoved his arm away, but cast him a grateful sidelong glance.

“Master Luke said you started a fight. Someone said you hit another student in the face.”

“Erleem deserved it!” The words burst from her. Ben smothered a smile at her indignity.

“Why did he deserve it?”

“He said that I’m only here because my parents didn’t want me anymore. That they sent me away.”

Ben felt a tiny pang in his stomach. “Do you think that’s why you’re here?”

“My mum and dad said I had to stay here because I had the Force.” She spat out “the Force” like it was a rotten piece of fruit.

Ben bent over slightly and tilted his head to see her. “Well, you are very strong in the Force.”

“Yeah, well I don’t want to be. I want to go home.”

He sighed. “My parents made me stay here because I was strong in the Force, too.”

Rey’s thin eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Ben absently scratched at the dusty floorboards near his shoes. “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t strong, either.”

“Do you wish you could go home?”

“Sometimes. I miss my parents.”

“Well, why don’t you? You’re a grown-up, you can do whatever you want.”

He gave a sad chuckle. “That’s not really how it works.” She didn’t return his smile.

“Rey, you know they’ll come back for you, right? You guys have a family week coming up in practically a few months.” Rey was silent.

Ben leaned farther down to look her right in the eyes. “I _promise_ they will come back.”

She stared somberly at him. “Promise?”

“I promise.” He was rewarded with a small smile.

Rey stuck a pinkie in his face. “Pinkie promise!” She demanded. Ben stifled another smile as he locked pinkies with her. They kissed their knuckles and then turned and spit on the dirty floorboards in unison.

Ben unfolded from his cramped position on the floor, inwardly groaning as his legs began to prickle. He held out a hand to Rey. “Come on, I’m sure Master Luke wants you to apologize.”

Rey stuck her hand in his and huffed in exasperation as he pulled her up. “He’s going to talk forever. He always talks so long. Sometimes when I want to do something bad, I think about how long he will talk for. And then I don’t do it.”

Ben burst out laughing, his deep voice reverberating through the angled room. “Didn’t really work this time, did it?”

“Guess not,” Rey blithely shrugged.

“Maybe you should try something else when you get angry. What does Master Luke tell you?”

 “There is no emotion, there is peace,” she grumbled. “But that doesn’t help!” She protested.

Ben stopped their descent down the stairs, stepping a few steps more so they were level.

“When you start to get really angry, or really afraid, or you’re in trouble, you find the Force.”

“How do I do that?”

“Like I showed you before, when we were throwing the rocks.”

She shut her eyes briefly, adopting a serene expression. Her eyelid fluttered open and she let out a deep breath. “I feel better.”

He smiled at her encouragingly, impressed by how quickly she centered herself. “If you find the Force, it will help you know what to do. Even when you are angry.” _Because that’s going so well for you._ Ben swallowed and tried to shut out the whispering thoughts. He started down the stairs when he was nearly knocked off his feet as Rey launched herself onto his back.

“Ooof, what are you doing?” He demanded as thin arms wrapped themselves around his neck.

“Piggyback ride!”

Ben sighed. “Okay, but just this once.” 

He could practically feel her rolling her eyes. “Fiiinee.”

He let out another “ooof” as she kicked her heels into his sides.

“Go, go, faster, faster!”

“I’m going, I’m going! Calm yourself.”

He loped down the stairs two at a time, taking giant bounds down the dark corridors of the musty building. Rey whooped in glee as he jostled her around, nearly throwing her from his back as he trotted across the field to the main buildings. He slowed down as they approached the door to the exam room and knocked. The door cracked open and Luke peered out.

“Ben,” he noted in a decidedly neutral tone. He looked over Ben’s shoulder at Rey, who seemed like she was trying to hide behind his head. “And Rey,” Luke added, his voice tightening almost imperceptibly.

“She’s come to apologize,’” Ben informed Luke. Luke gave him a long stare before opening the door wider and stepping back to let them in. Erleem sat on a shiny silver medical table, his gangly legs hanging off the edge. His nose was bleeding, his lip was split, and a massive shiner was blooming on his face. Ben twisted his head back towards Rey, who instinctually leaned in over his shoulder.

“You got him good, Rey. Nice work,” he whispered to her. Ben could see Luke staring at them in his periphery. Several tense days had passed between the chair-smashing incident and now, with not a word between them in that time. Ben pointedly ignored him, instead swinging Rey around and setting her gently on the ground. She approached the medical table and began what he hoped was a truly heartfelt apology to Erleem.

Luke stepped up beside Ben. Ben waited several seconds before turning his head to acknowledge him, raising an expectant eyebrow. “What?” He asked his uncle in a clipped tone. Luke pursed his lips together tightly before answering. “I would like you to escort Erleem and Rey back to their dorms and then come to my room. We have much to discuss,” Luke said, casting a look at Rey. Ben clenched his jaw, his ire rising automatically. “Very well,” he curtly replied, before taking a subtle step away from Luke.

He looked over at Erleem and Rey, who seemed to have made amends. Rey was dancing her fingers along his uninjured arm in some kind of imaginary game and Erleem was giggling. One corner of Ben’s lips quirked up as he watched them. No one could stay mad at Rey for very long.

“Come on, you two. Back to the dorms.” Rey helped Erleem off the table and they walked out of the room, Ben following behind. They chattered all the way back while Ben stewed in his own thoughts. _Why can’t Luke just leave me alone? He has to pick at everything I do. Everything. I can’t put on a shirt without it being the wrong color. Now I don’t even know what I did wrong, but I’m sure it’s probably about Rey. I don’t know why I put up with this._ Ben tried to ignore his growing apprehension. He doubted their conversation would be pleasant after the way their previous conversation went.

“Umm, bye Ben.” Erleem’s nasally voice interrupted his thoughts, and Ben realized they had come to a halt several seconds ago. Ben snapped his head up to see Rey and Erleem standing at the front entrance to the dorms, looking at him expectantly.

“Uh, oh, bye you two. See you later, Rey.” Ben turned away.

“Ben!” Rey chirped. He turned back just as she took a flying leap towards him and latched her arms around his neck in a hug. Frozen for a moment, he half-crouched, half-stood, his hands hovering in the air, before he returned the gesture, gently squeezing her in a tender hug.

“Thank you. You’re my best friend,” Rey whispered into his ear, before letting go and dropping to the ground. She skipped back to Erleem and they disappeared into the dorms. Ben watched the weighted doors swing slowly shut and then latch with a muffled clunk.

 

* * *

 

Ben strode back across the grounds towards Luke’s office. He yanked open the doors to Luke’s room, not bothering to knock. Luke turned from where he was standing at the window, unperturbed by Ben’s loud arrival.

“Ben, please sit down,” Luke directed him, nodding towards the newly single chair along one wall.

Ben clenched his jaw and folded his arms over his chest. “I’ll stand,” he coldly retorted.

Luke wasted no time on civilities. “You must keep more distance between you and the younger trainees.”

“You mean Rey,” Ben fired back. “Rey is the only padawan I even talk to.”

“You spend too much time with her outside of your lessons.”

Ben pressed his lips together and gazed at a spot over Luke’s shoulder. “Rey befriends everyone. I’m a friend to her. And her teacher, which I have you to thank for.”

“You are her friend, and she is your friend. There’s a difference.” Luke ignored the second part of Ben’s statement.

Ben’s anger, always hovering at the edge of his mind, flared hot and quick, readily providing him with furious words. “You think I’m going to infect her. Blemish her precious, innocent mind with my darkness.”

Luke began to open his mouth but Ben talked over him. “Yes, I know that’s why my mother sent me here, _Uncle._ Because I’m too strong and too dark. I scare her. I scare Dad. I scare you. I can tell. You hide your emotions poorly.” Luke snapped his mouth shut. _At least he has the decency to look guilty._ “You have me here to control me. But you can’t, can you? And now you’re worried I’ll what, corrupt Rey?”

“I’m worried you will affect her with your anger, yes. She is too young. Too impressionable. And the way you wield the Force—it’s reckless. Since you’ve started training her, your Force signatures are all… _tangled_ up in a way I don’t-“ Luke cut off and took a sharp breath in and out. He blinked slowly, forcing his face back to a neutral expression. “Ben, you aren’t just friends with Rey. And you’re not just her teacher, either.”

Ben scowled at Luke. “What does that even mean? Are you seriously punishing me for _caring_ about someone’s well-being and happiness? For valuing who Rey is as a human being? For providing her with guidance you _asked_ me to provide? Isn’t compassion and valuing human life the Jedi Code?”

“Human life, Ben, _human life._ All of it, collectively, not one life individually. You’re attached to her in a way I don’t see with anyone, with the possible exception of your parents,” Luke berated Ben, his serene demeanor disappearing again. “You are devoted to her. And she practically worships you. When I asked you to help train her, I never expected, well, _this_ ,” Luke finished, waving a hand wildly at Ben.

Ben was shaking, his fists clenched as they stood in crackling silence. Luke was afraid to say anything else, waiting for Ben to explode in a rage. Then Ben’s shoulders slumped and he let out a heavy breath, raking his trembling hands through his messy black waves. When he looked back up at Luke, his dark eyes were wide and bright with unshed tears, his mouth drawn down tightly. Guilt filled Luke for his harsh reaction. _He’s just a boy, just a scared, lonely boy_.

“Luke, don’t take her away from me. Please. I can’t, she’s the only thing-” he cut off, swallowing thickly. He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. Luke waited for him to regain control and to continue, but when Ben opened his eyes again, the tears were gone, replaced by a steely rage. Luke felt the shift palpably and wondered what happened in Ben’s head in the split-second his eyes were shut. A shudder of dread traveled down his back.

“This isn’t about Rey.” Ben said in a soft growl, taking a step closer to Luke. “And this isn’t about me deviating from your precious and infallible Jedi Code. This is about you and me.” Ben stabbed one finger towards Luke’s chest, his voice rising. “You resent me, you always have.”

Luke was almost speechless. “Don’t be so egotistical, Ben. I do not resent you.”

“Yes, you do! I can’t do anything without you at my back, reminding me that I have no control, that I’m too angry, too tense, too bitter, too anything. You only tell me what I’m doing wrong. I can’t take a fighting stance without you critiquing the way my feet are aligned. I can’t spar without you berating my technique in front of every trainee. I can’t even interact with a _child_ without you finding some imagined instability in it.”

“I’m challenging you. You will never reach your full potential if you’re not properly challenged.”

“You don’t challenge me, you tear me down!” Ben spat, his eyes dark and his face wild. “You want me to fail, to fall. You’re afraid of me because I’m so much stronger than you. I don’t know if you really know what you’re doing while you claim to be teaching me. What gives you the audacity to think you are the right teacher for _me?_ ”

Luke took a threatening step towards Ben. “Don’t test me, Ben. You are practically bursting with anger. It makes you weak.”

“It makes me weak in your eyes. In the eyes of the Light side. But not the Dark. Not the Dark. My anger gives me strength.”

Luke froze. _Where the hell this all coming from? How did I miss all of this?_ Luke’s thoughts were frantic. He stepped away, watching Ben with a mixture of trepidation and guilt. “Be wary of where your thoughts take you, Ben. You tread too closely to the wrong edge of the Light side.”

_Maybe that’s a good thing_. Ben kept that thought to himself, instead changing the course of their argument. “This is your fault, Luke,” Ben shot at his uncle. “You’re the one who singled her out to me, who suggested I provide her with some pointers and guidance. Now I’m responsible for her demise? If she falls to the Dark, that’s on me, right? If she gets angry, we can blame that on me too! Hell, if she gets the wrong answer on a test, it’s probably also my fault, just like the fight she started today. It’s always my fault. _I’m_ always wrong.”

“Ben, what is going on? Is this because of the nightmares?”

Ben was taken aback. “You know about them?”

“I know you’ve struggled with them since childhood. You seem very tired lately, on edge.”

“Well that would happen to you too if you had voices in your head and were brutally tortured in your sleep every damn night!” Ben raged at Luke.

Luke’s face paled. _Every night? Voices? This can’t be happening. This can’t be. How did I miss this? How did I let this happen?_

Ben raked his hands through his hair again. “I can’t believe this. I just can’t. You apparently _knew_ I was struggling, on some level, but you said nothing. Ben’s voice grew louder and harsher with every word. “You lied to me about my parents, kept the truth from me. You lied to me about the letters, stealing them and hiding them. You tell me to mentor Rey and then berate me for the way I do it. You knew I was struggling and just stood by and watched me drown.”

_I made a mistake,_ Luke wanted to say. “I put her in your responsibility because she is rebellious and full of fire, like you were. I thought you might help her learn to tame her intensity. Not create some perplexing Force bond with her and become her best friend, mentor, and savior!” Luke finished in a strangled voice. “Clearly, I misjudged your own maturity and control. I was mistaken to put a child in the charge of another child.”

Ben felt like he was going to explode. “I. Am. Not. A. Child,” he growled at Luke through gritted teeth, his eyes blazing with fury.

“Ben!” Ben felt Luke freezing his right arm in the air, pinning him down with the Force. Ben looked down, his right hand was gripping his lightsaber. He didn’t even remember bringing his lightsaber along. Ben snapped. His face contorted as he wrenched out his uncle’s grasp, whipping up his left hand in a Force-choke. Luke grasped at his neck, but it was futile. Power flooded Ben as he opened himself to the Dark side of the Force, drinking in its lascivious violence. Ben Solo became a dim memory and a new animus clawed his way out.

Luke snapped his hand up, coiling the Force inside of him and blasting Ben back. He was flung against the wall, and dropped to the ground, panting for breath.

Luke was shaking with righteous fury. “Stay away from Rey. Do you understand? _Stay away from her._ Now get out.”

Ben stumbled to his feet, and for the second time that week, found himself running away from his uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival


	10. Just to Know I'm Awake

Ben crossed the grounds back to the dorms. He heard only the thud of his boots against the ground and the rush of blood in his head.

**“Control your anger. Wild emotion will give you no advantage.”**

Ben jerked to a halt, watching the way the setting sun stretched his wraith-like shadow far ahead of him. He didn’t bother to waste time being outraged or sickened at the Supreme Leader’s voice in his head. Instead, Ben listened to it. He took heavy, gulping breaths, focusing on the physical sensations of his emotions-the ache in his muscles from clenching his fists, the burning fullness in his lungs, like holding his breath too long. Slowly, his fury subsided to a low simmer. It was still powerful, but manageable.

He slammed the door shut on the way into his room, violently placing the Force-lock he designed for his otherwise non-locking door. He paced back and forth for a minute, unsure about what he should do. He flashed back, again and again, to the image of Luke grasping at the Force-choke Ben held around his neck. Guilt and shame welled deep within him, shoving aside some of Ben’s anger for a moment. He couldn’t believe he tried choked his own uncle. And he had liked it. He recalled the solidity of Luke’s neck, felt through the Force, as Ben squeezed. He could have killed him.

His anger resurged. Angry at Luke, for everything. Angry at himself, for losing control, yet again. He slumped to a seat on his bed, scrubbing his hands across his face and through his hair. _I don’t know what to do._

Without thinking, he dropped to his knees on the hard floor, pulling the box Asha gave him out from under his bed. He sat back on his bed, balancing the box on his knees. His heart in his throat, he pulled the bundle out, and with halting motions, pulled back the layers of the rough black fabric. He hadn’t looked at Vader’s mask since the night he left the abandoned dorms with it. The same rush of power tingled up his arms when he held it. The power washed away some of his guilt and shame. He settled, cross-legged on his bed, and slipped into a dark meditation.

A sharp knock rang on Ben’s door and he jumped nearly a foot, almost dropping the mask. The box dropped to the floor and Ben heard wood splinter. _Shit, shit!_  

“Who…who is it?” Ben called out with a gulp, rapidly winding the fabric around his grandfather’s mask.

“Asha,” a throaty voice responded. _Asha’s here. At my room._

“Oh. Oh! Oh, um…” Ben cast around him, looking for a place to set the mask.  _A girl. At my room. At night._

Asha twisted the door handle, but his Force-lock held. “Ben!”

“Okay, okay, hold on.” _I wonder if Ryker’s with her?_ Ben didn’t want to stuff the mask under the bed without the box. He settled for the surface of his desk. It was the most regal place he could put it right now, short of mounting it over his door. _Would love to see the look on Luke’s face if I did that._ He leaned over to look at himself in mirror briefly, yanking on the collar of his tunic to straighten it out and then pushing back his unruly hair. He frowned at the way it exposed his big ears. _I hate my ears so much._ He pushed them flat against his head, wishing they would stay that way. He frowned at himself again as he combed his hair out so it partially covered his ears.

“ _Ben!”_ Asha hissed again, just as Ben yanked the door open. She immediately planted one hand against his chest, pushing him backwards into his room, and shut the door behind her.

“I see Master Luke gives special treatment to _some_ of his students. I wish I had a door that locks. Would have prevented some rather, ah, delicate situations.” She smirked at him.

Ben ignored her look. “It doesn’t lock.”

“Then how?”

“Just put a Force-lock on it,” Ben shrugged.

“ _Just_ a Force-lock,” Asha scoffed. “Ben, most of us can’t just do things like that, let alone without thinking about it. How long do you keep the lock on? Just while you need it?”

“All the time.”

“What about when you’re not here?”

“Still locked. That’s what all the time means.”

Asha didn’t catch the hint of derision in his voice, or at least she pretended not to. “What if you left the planet for the day?”

“It would probably stay locked. I’m not sure, I haven’t tested out a long-term lock yet. I haven’t needed to. I haven’t been home in…a while.” Ben picked at a thread on the sleeve of his tunic. 

Admiration shown on Asha’s face as she eyed him up and down. She wasn’t wearing the standard padawan tunic over her leggings, but a rather sheer, long-sleeved black shirt that clung alluringly to her curves, Ben noted with a nervous swallow. Asha combed a hand through her lustrous hair, pushing sleek black strands out of her eyes. She took several sauntering steps towards Ben, he moved away until the edge of his bed bumped against the backs of his thighs. Her dark, slanted eyes briefly shimmered with orange hues.

“Ben, do you even realize how powerful you are?” She zigzagged soft lines with one finger against Ben’s chest. “You deserve to have whatever you want.”

“No one should have whatever they want.”

Asha moved closer, bracing one hand against his chest and running the other down his arm. She wedged one of Ben’s legs between her thighs, tilting her hips into his.

“What do you want, Ben?”

He let out a shaky breath in response. From this close, he noticed her dark olive skin was softly textured, hints of a reptilian-like pattern moved in softly shimmering lines beneath her skin.

Asha smiled, relishing his unease. She tilted her head forward, her lips meeting his. Ben had kissed other girls before, but not girls like Asha. She pushed him back onto his bed and crawled on top of him, pinning him down with her legs while she yanked his tunic up over his head. He resisted the urge to flinch as she surveyed his bony frame. She leaned down to kiss him again, her mouth insistent and aggressive against his. Hesitantly, he rested his hands on her waist.

“I didn’t come in here to have you touch my waist, Ben,” Asha practically growled at him. She shoved his hands off her, grabbing the hem of her thin shirt and pulling it off in one smooth motion.

“Come on, your turn,” she urged him on, roughly pressing her hands against her breasts before she indicated for him to undo the straps of the brassiere that covered them.

“Oh, ummm…” Ben trailed off as he fumbled with the row of six tiny hooks on the back of the wide band. Asha sighed with impatience, reaching around and undoing the hooks herself. Ben’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment and he wished the room was darker.

Asha reached a hand down between his legs, pressing against the hardness there. She went to unbutton his pants and he grabbed her wrist.

“Um, Asha, I haven’t…Um I don’t think we should-“

“Have you never been with a girl before?” She inquired, cutting off him off.

Ben bit down hard on his lip, shaking his head at her.

“This will be fun,” she purred in his ear. He gradually loosened his grip on her wrist and when she resumed unfastening his pants, he didn’t stop her.

 

* * *

                                                                                                                            

Ben shifted uneasily from foot to foot, gazing at the table where Asha and Ryker were eating dinner together. Asha had slipped out sometime in the night, leaving him alone to his nightmares. Ben spent the day outside the academy, trying to avoid Luke. Hunger drove him back to main grounds. Ryker spotted him, and waved him over. Ben reluctantly sat down with them, gaze switching uneasily between the two of them.

Asha pointedly set down her fork and stared at him. “Where have you been?” She demanded.

“Away from camp,” Ben muttered. She stared steadily at him. “Well you shouldn’t have left.”

“I will leave if I want to,” Ben snapped at her, irritated by her presumptuous tone. To his surprise, she didn’t argue. She looked pleased.

Her face softened. “Supreme Leader Snoke moved up the timetable,” she explained, almost apologetically.

“So the monster has a name,” Ben murmured. Asha and Ryker shot an appalled look at each other, which Ben ignored.

“What timetable?”

“The plan to destroy the Jedi Academy and all traces of the Jedi Order,” Asha replied nonchalantly, not even looking up from her food.

Fear rushed through Ben, followed quickly by boiling anger. “ _What.”_

Ryker answered this time. “If the First Order is to attain total control of the galaxy, nothing can stand in their way. The Jedi are, and always have been, the gravest threat.”

Ben struggled to keep his fear off his face. “That makes…sense,” he nodded, trying to maintain control of his emotions. He wanted to reach across the table and crush Ryker’s face. _I wouldn’t even have to move,_ he reminded himself. “But if you two think you can take out this whole camp by yourself, then you are mistaken. Do you really think you will be able to defeat _Luke Skywalker_? You’re not even Jedi.”

Asha’s eyes blazed and she leaned across the table. “If you think our only training has been from Luke, then _you_ are mistaken. Ryker and I were both personally picked for this mission, groomed and trained almost from birth. Just like you were. You are still the most important part to this plan.”

Ben’s tried to add up how many years Ryker and Asha had been at the Academy. They were in Luke’s first group of students, meaning they had been here for at least ten years. Luke had fledgling Dark-side users in his camp for a full decade. Part of Ben recoiled from the idea of Luke’s ignorance, but the other part admired Snoke’s planning and execution.

“What was Snoke’s plan for if I didn’t cooperate?” Ben already knew the answer.

Asha smirked at him. “You not cooperating was not part of the plan. If it’s not part of the plan, then it doesn’t happen. If it is part of the plan, then it happens. And you, working with us, was always part of his plan.”

Ben gulped. _If Snoke was that confident that I would join him, years in advance, then how could he be wrong? Especially if he is as strong as he seems to be?_ Ben jumped up from the table, his head spinning. He felt powerless.

“You’re shook up,” Asha told Ben, eyeing his pale countenance and wide eyes. “I expected this. Think about everything. Search your feelings. You know where you belong. I want you to be in control when we move forward.” 

“When is this happening?”

“Three days from now. Snoke said you needed time to complete your lightsaber.”

“My lightsaber? How does he know about that?”

Asha scoffed. “You really don’t understand how powerful the Supreme Leader is. He knows about it. He was there when you collected all the pieces. You think young padawans just stumble across kyber crystals in the woods? Please, Ben.”

Ben just turned and stalked out of the mess hall, clenching his shaking fists, and hoping he wouldn’t run into Luke. He needed to get his lightsaber and get outside. Practicing his forms always helped him re-center himself. _Not really my lightsaber,_ Ben reminded himself. Luke gave older students lightsabers to train with, until they were ready to make their own. Luke had yet to decide any of his students were ready to make their own lightsabers. _Including me._ Ben’s thoughts were bitter.

Ben strode through the dorms, faltering as he approached Rey’s room. He hadn’t talked to her since the day before. As much as Ben hated to admit it, Luke was right, he should stay away from Rey. And he didn’t know how to explain that to her. As he walked past Rey’s room, he heard the soft sounds of crying. Hesitantly, he reached out with the Force, looking for her signature. _You shouldn’t be doing this. You’re only making it worse. I just want to make sure she’s okay._ Ben stopped and gently rapped his knuckles on Rey’s door. The crying sounds continued, interrupted by a loud hiccup. She sounded absolutely pathetic. Ben knocked again.

"Go away, Ben!" Rey shouted out, her voice muffled through the thick door. Alarm snaked through Ben. She _knew_ it was him on the other side of the door. Even in the midst of her emotional turmoil, she could pick up on his Force-signature easily. He took a second to admire the sheer amount of talent she had before he returned to alarm.

“Rey…open the door.” He just heard shuffling noises followed by a muted thump. Suddenly the door flew open and he looked down to see Rey scowling up at him. Her eyes were puffy and red, her face was wet with tears, and she had a rather large comb spectacularly tangled up in her hair. Ben blinked at her.

‘What did you do?” He gestured towards the comb. Her scowl deepened before she dissolved back into pitiful cries.

“It’s…stuck!” She got out between shuddering breaths. She yanked at the comb, snarling it further into her hair.

“Stop, Rey, stop pulling on it.” He ushered her into her room. “Come here, sit down.” He lifted her up and set her down on her desk. 

He moved behind her, assessing the crazy loops and knots of her hair around the comb. “How did you do this?”

“Tremly said my hair looked like a squirrel nest. It’s not my fault! My mum does my hair. I’m bad at it.”

Ben suspected her hair was full of knots and snarls even without the “help” of the comb. Patiently, he tugged at separate strands of hair, pulling out small chunks at a time, careful not to yank too hard and hurt Rey. What felt like an eternity later, Ben triumphantly pulled the comb out.

“Ah ha! I fixed it!” Rey gasped and ran her hands through her untangled hair. She frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just going to get all messed up again.”

Ben pursed his lips, evaluating her wispy hair. “Here, I’ll fix that too. Do you have any ribbons?”

She dejectedly shook her head.

Ben hummed, looking around her room for something to use as a band. Finally, he ripped a long strip of fabric off the bottom of his black tunic.

Rey gasped. “Ben, you’re ruining your clothes!”

“It’s okay, Rey, it’s just a shirt. I have more. Turn back around.”

She did as he requested. He split her hair into three sections, wrapping each section up into a small bun and securing it with pieces from his tunic.

“There!” He smiled and stepped back to admire his work. His smile faded slightly. “Well, they are a little crooked.”

Rey gently felt the buns. “How did you do that?”

“Here, I’ll show you.” He took the bottom bun out, slowly giving her instructions and showing her how to twist it up and tie the strip of fabric so it wouldn’t pop off. Rey finished the last bun, tucking the loose ends of the fabric into the band.

“I love it,” she exclaimed, jumping off the desk and twirling around. “How do you know how to do that? You don’t have long hair.”

“I watched my mom do it a million times. Not as hard as it looks.”

Ben leaned against the desk as Rey gave the top of her hair another satisfied stroke. She jumped back up, customarily using Ben’s arm as a handrail. She dangled her legs around as they sat in silence for a moment.

“Rey?”

She tilted her head up at him, smiling.

“I won’t be able to be your teacher anymore.” Her smile vanished.

“Why? Did I do something wrong?” Her wide eyes threatened tears.

Ben knelt down in front of her until they were eye to eye. “No, Rey, not at all. You are the best student ever. It’s my fault. Master Luke thinks we’re too…connected. And I get too angry. And he doesn’t want me to make you like that too.”

Rey scowled at that. “Well that’s stupid of Master Luke! I hate him!”

“ _No,_ Rey. Never hate anyone. Not even your enemies. That’s how you get all angry, like me.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “It’s not Master Luke’s fault, it’s my fault. I have to be a better Jedi first. He's just trying to keep you safe.”

Rey’s chin still trembled. “Do we still get to be best friends?”

Ben felt tears prick the backs of his eyes. “Yes, Rey. We’ll always be best friends.”

She stuck a pinkie in his face. “Promise?”

Ben’s voice cracked when he spoke. “Promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Until We Go Down by Ruelle


	11. Everything You Hoped Would Last

Ben paced around his dorm room until night. He tried to meditate, but he couldn’t focus for more than half an hour. He waited another two hours after sundown, just for good measure, before sneaking across the grounds to Luke’s office. He waited outside the door, extending his awareness with the Force to feel for Luke. The office was empty. Luke didn’t lock his office. Ben was almost disappointed, he hadn’t put his rather formidable lock-picking skills to use in years. _Dad would be disappointed._ Ben violently shoved the thought away almost as soon as it popped into his head.

He punched a number he had memorized by heart into the holographic transmitter. After letting it ring for almost ten minutes, Ben was about to give up, when an image flashed up.

“Ben?” A raspy voice called, thick with sleep.

“Zhade,” Ben responded.

“What in the hell, it’s the middle of the night!”

“Not here.”

“Well, I’m not there, am I? Shit Ben, it’s good to hear your voice. How’s the Academy life? I kind of miss it some days, even dish washing duty. How crazy is tha-“

“Would you shut up?”

“I don’t hear from you in nearly three months and you call in the middle of the night and now you’re being mean! To me! Your best friend! I ought to hang up.” Zhane’s sleepy face held a mischievous grin.

Ben nearly growled in frustration. “Yes, hello Zhane, nice to hear your voice too, I miss you so much, the Academy is boring without you, I haven’t gotten in trouble for blowing anything up since you left, Luke is annoying, I hate dishes, etcetera etcetera, now will you listen to me??”

Zhane rolled his eyes. “I suppose.”

“I need you to do something for me. Is anyone nearby, anyone who could overhear you?”

“Don’t you always,” Zhane huffed. “And no, it’s just me.”

“Zhane, this is serious. I’m going to ask you to do something crazy and I need you to say yes. Lives depend on it.”

“Shit, Ben, what’s going on?”

Ben shook his head. “Something bad,” he whispered.

Zhane’s smile was long-gone. “What do you need me to do?”

As Ben explained, Zhane’s face grew grave.

“Ben, I''ll do it, no questions asked, but what is going on?”

“I don’t think you understand what ‘no questions asked’ means,” Ben retorted with a sad smile.

“Probably not. Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah,” he rasped. “Zhane, if you care about your own life, or the lives of anyone you know, you will not tell another living soul about this conversation, ever, for the rest of your life. You won’t tell anyone what I asked you to do.”

“You’re scaring me.”

“You should be. You should be terrified.”

“What do I tell people when I’m making arrangements?”

“Nothing, or as little as possible. Don’t use my name, don’t mention the Academy, don’t mention Luke. Don’t use your real name. Don’t use your real anything. _This never happened_. Do you understand?”

Zhane grimly nodded.

“Destroy the record of this call after we hang up. The ship will come in tomorrow afternoon sometime, you’ll have to check the flight schedules, I’m not sure how many stops it makes after it leaves the Academy. I’ll send funds with the pilot.”

Zhane adamantly shook his head. “Ben, don’t worry about any of that. You know my family won’t even notice if I use any money. I could buy and supply a small army and they wouldn’t notice. I’ll make sure everything works out.”

Ben sagged in relief and wanly smiled at Zhane. “Thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“I think I have an idea,” Zhane responded. “Ben, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like shit. When was the last time you got a good night’s rest?”

Ben slowly shook his head. “No idea. I’ve stopped counting. Okay, I’ve got to go.

“Take care of yourself, buddy.”

“You too.”

Zhane’s image blinked off, and Ben sat in the darkness staring at the place where his best friend’s face was. _I’m going to have to find him and deal with this after this is all over. No loose strings._

_You know he’ll never let you mind-wipe him. He’s too strong to go down without a fight. You’ll have to get rid of him._

_I’ll do whatever it takes. For Rey._

Ben sat in the darkness for much longer, imagining a future he knew he would never have.

 

* * *

 

When Ben returned to his dorm, a slim figure separated from the shadows next to his door. He regarded Asha warily, waving to unlock his door. She followed him into his room, lazily sprawling out on his bed. Ben stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed.

“Okay, I’m in. Tell Snoke I’ll be ready.”

Asha’s eyes lit up, tiny flames in the darkness. She was in front of him in a heartbeat, hands on his hips.

“I knew you would make the right choice,” she purred into his ear.

“Until then, I don’t want you or Ryker, and especially not Snoke, bothering me. No one. No talks to me or comes to me about anything. Okay?”

Asha scoffed at him. “You can tell the Supreme Leader yourse-“ She cut off with a squeak as Ben grabbed her by the throat and pushed her into the wall. He pressed his other arm across her chest, straining against her ribs.

“You will tell him,” Ben growled in her face. “And I will not be bothered. Understand?” Asha faintly nodded and Ben released her. She sucked in a deep breath, coughing. Ben stepped back, expecting her to retaliate, but she wasn’t angry. She eyed him hungrily, rubbing her neck where his hand had been.

She stepped close to him, pressing her hips into his. “And if I say no?” She demurred, licking her lip.

“I would advise against that,” he smirked, before laying back on his bed and pulling her on top of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Perfect Memory (I'll Remember You) by Remy Zero.


	12. Sunlight In My Bones For You

Ben woke up the next morning wishing he hadn’t. _I wish I could just close my eyes and be done. Just cease._ He glanced at the chrono sitting on his desk. _No time to waste._

He grabbed a small package from his desk drawer. It was present for Rey, he was going to give it to her next month for her sixth birthday, but he wasn’t going to have that chance, now. Next he grabbed a small envelope full of credit chips. It was his run-away fund, which he had been adding to since he was a young boy, and almost used more than once. Now he was glad he didn’t. Finally, he pulled a small, empty knapsack out of his closet. He thumbed the leather tag on the front that used to bear his name. Years of use wore it off. This was the bag his mother sent him to the Academy with. He pushed away memories of that day, trying to forget how terrifying and heartbreaking it was to be sent away from his parents to a strange planet full of kids he didn’t know and who didn’t like him.

He hurried to Rey’s room. It was early morning, she should be at breakfast or on the way to a class. He loitered in the hallway until it was empty and then slipped into her room. One of the perks of being Ben Solo was that no one asked questions about what he was doing, the kind of special treatment that on any other day would have irked him.

He grabbed a few changes of clothes and some toiletries and stuffed them into the bag, hoping that would be good enough until Rey reached her destination. Last stop was the kitchen, where he swiped a week's worth of rational packets and a large canteen.

Ben made his way to the small hanger and storage unit, where he knew a shipment of supplies was scheduled to arrive in a few minutes. He lurked in the shadows behind some crates, watching the ship dock and the academy staff and the pilot unload items. After the last crate was carried away, Ben slinked onto the ship behind the pilot.

The pilot was in the cockpit, performing preflight checks when Ben appeared behind him. “Don’t panic, I just need to talk to you.” The pilot jumped a foot, spinning around in his chair to glare at Ben.

“Kid, I don’t have time for this, I gotta get the next shipment on the way.”

Ben’s voice picked up an eerie timbre. “You will wait here for me to return, and then you will follow all my instructions without complaint or question.”

Ben held his breath, hoping the command stuck. The man’s face went slack. “I’ll wait here for you to return, and then I’ll follow all your instructions without complaint or question.”

“You’ll be duly compensated,” Ben added, flashing some of the credit chips at the pilot, who greedily eyed the credits. Ben hoped the money would smooth over any lingering confusion the pilot had about his abrupt change of plans.

Ben was about to leave, when the pilot called out after him. “What am I supposed to tell the staff if they ask why I’m still here?”

“Tell them an unexpected malfunction occurred and you need a few minutes to fix it. And then look busy.”

The pilot nodded uneasily, and Ben exited the ship.

He strode across the grounds, headed straight for the training ring, where he knew Rey would be leaving her class in just a few minutes. He peered around the side of a building, watching students disperse after Luke dismissed them. He ducked back around the building, hoping Luke wouldn’t sense he was nearby. They hadn’t spoken since the fateful night in Luke’s office, giving each other a wide berth. Ben suspected Luke didn’t know what to do with him, and was content to ignore him for the time being as long as Ben didn’t stir up trouble.

Ben reached out with the Force and gave Rey a sharp tug. Her head instantly whipped in his direction and she broke into a wide smile as she hurried straight for him.

“Ben!” She greeted him as she turned the corner.

“Sshh Rey, we have to stay hidden.”

She was immediately tense, head swiveling to survey the area for others nearby. “Why?”

Ben didn’t answer, just grabbed her hand and pulled her along. “We have to go somewhere.” He led her to the hanger and straight into the ship without explanation. The pilot eyed Ben and Rey curiously but didn’t ask questions.

“Rey, stay here, I’ll be right back.” She didn’t ask questions either, intimidated by the cold edge to Ben’s voice.

Ben gestured for the pilot to follow him outside the ship. His voice adopted the same odd tone as before.

“The girl is named Rey. You will take her with you to your next landing, where someone will be waiting to pick her up. He will pay you and then you will continue on your route without question. You will speak of this to no one.”

The pilot’s eyes glazed over as he repeated the instructions back to Ben.

“And she is not to be harmed. You will do whatever it takes to ensure her safety. If anything happens to her, I will personally ensure you suffer an unimaginable torment followed by a slow, excruciating death.” Ben’s dark eyes bored into the pilot, his voice threat enough without the authority of the Force behind it. The pilot gulped, eyes stretched wide. “Now wait out here until I come back out.”

Ben didn’t wait for an affirmation, he just turned and marched back onto the ship. Rey was laying on her back on a small bench, kicking her legs back and forth and twirling a loose strand of hair around her fingers. Ben watched her for a minute, drinking in the site of her, safe, seemingly unconcerned, full of sweet, childish innocence. Today was the last day she would be this way. Ben took in several shaking breaths, wrestling with the storm of emotions within him.

Rey straightened up when she spotted Ben. He knelt down before her, staring straight into her bright eyes.

“Ben, what’s wrong?” She pressed a tiny hand to his face, and when it came away wet, he realized he was crying.

“Rey, do you trust me?” Rey confidently nodded.

He took a deep breath, pushing away his anguish. “Something very bad is going to happen. Here, at the Academy. A very bad man is going to hurt everyone.”

Rey’s eyes grew wide. “Are you going to stop him?”

Ben’s chest hitched. “Yes,” he lied to her. “But first, I have to make sure you’re safe. I’m sending you on a little trip, away from the Academy, just until the bad man is stopped. Then you can come back.” He paused, briefly squeezing his eyes shut. “Remember when I told you about bad people taking memories from your head?”

Rey solemnly nodded.

“Well, he might try to do it to you. So I have to…take away some memories to keep you safe. Okay? Do you understand?”

Rey nodded again. “You are going to go into my head again?”

“Yes, and it will hurt, but I have to.”

Rey didn’t question his plan.

“I have a present for you, to take on your trip.” Ben pulled out the small package wrapped in thin fabric from under his cloak and handed it to her. Rey’s face lit up, and she ripped the wrappings off, revealing a small, hand-made Resistance fighter-pilot doll. Rey traced her fingers around the doll’s smiling face and over its bright orange flight suit. It was crudely made. Ben was good at a lot of things, but making dolls was not one of them. Rey didn’t seem to care. She crushed the doll against her chest, grinning widely at Ben. “I LOVE IT!”

He attempted to smile back at her. She threw her arms around him, squeezing him in a tight hug. He hugged her back, knowing it would be for the last time. When she pulled away, her face was serious again. She took a deep breath, straightening up, doll clutched under one arm.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

Ben brushed away the fresh tears on his face. “Okay. It’s going to feel a little bit like having a bad dream, and then you’ll sleep for a while. So this is goodbye, okay?”

“Okay, bye Ben! But I’m only going to be gone for a little bit, you don’t have to be so sad.”

Ben struggled to even nod at her. “Right,” he hoarsely agreed. He gently held her face in his hands before drawing on the Force and entering her mind. This time, she didn’t resist him, she welcomed him with unquestioning trust. He moved as carefully as possible, trying to minimize the pain.

As he paged through her mind, collecting up every memory of the academy and of him, he felt himself ripping apart. He clung at the threads of his resolve like a drowning man clings to a sinking ship. Because what he found nearly broke him.

To Rey, he wasn’t Ben Solo, son of the famous war hero and renowned pilot. He wasn’t the child of Leia Organa, a Princess, also a war hero, and now General of the Resistance. He wasn’t the grandson of Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader, the strongest Jedi and Sith. She didn’t care about the blood of legends that ran in his veins. She didn’t evaluate his potential and his failure the way everyone else in his life did. In every one of Rey’s memories, Ben _glowed_. He was just Ben, her best friend, her teacher, her confidant. He was safety and he was belonging. She saw him for each thing he was, not for his family or his ancestry. She didn’t build up expectations for him. She didn’t care how strong he was in the Force. She didn’t care about his darkness, it didn’t diminish him in her eyes. She wasn’t afraid of his power. She knew he would never hurt her.

Ben watched through her memories as her fear and anxiety and loneliness disappeared with his presence. No one else had ever believed in Ben the way Rey believed in him. No one had ever trusted him the way she trusted him. She believed that he was capable of anything. Ben had never really understood unconditional love, until now. She loved him, with every bone in her tiny body.

And Ben was destroying it all, memory by memory, thought by thought. He felt like he was being pulled apart, molecule by molecule, until he would just split and dissolve into the atmosphere. He almost stopped. He imagined taking Rey, stealing one of Luke’s ships, and flying away, disappearing somewhere in the Outer rim where they would both be safe from the First Order. Except they wouldn’t, he thought darkly. Snoke had been with him since birth. He would find Ben, eventually, no matter where he went. And if Rey was with him, Snoke would find her too. If Snoke ever learned what Ben knew about Rey and her immense potential, she would be hunted by him until he had her firmly within his dark grasp. Ben shook with fury at the idea of Snoke torturing and using Rey like he did to Ben. Ben would die before that happened. The only way to protect her was to remove all trace of Ben and Rey’s time at the Academy from her head, and then give Snoke what he wanted. And he wanted Ben. He gritted his teeth and pressed on, plucking memories from Rey’s mind like little flowers and then discarding them.

Ben stopped at Rey’s memories of her family. He needed to be careful. She had to remember that she loved them and missed them and believed they would come back for her. He heightened that idea, pressing into her gentle mind an overwhelming, desperate _need_ for her family to return, and the unwavering, irrationally intense belief that they would. Where ever Rey was being taken, she had to believe she needed to stay there.

Finally, he reached their Force-bond. Luke was right, it _was_ a Force-bond of some kind. It was as much in his head as it was in hers. Ben didn’t know very much about them, but he did know that forming them accidentally was dangerous. He dug at the bond, attempting to sever the link, but it slipped away from him every time before he could completely destroy it. Ben felt Rey shudder under his hands. If he kept digging he was going to irreparably damage her mind. He hacked at it one last time, and hoped it would be good enough to keep knowledge of her away from Snoke.

He withdrew from her mind. Her eyes fluttered, dazed. He pushed her into a deep sleep, and he caught her as she crumpled forwards. He cradled her in his arms like the small, defenseless child that she was, smoothing back the piece of escaped hair into one of her three buns. Her face was peaceful, like the first day he met her and she fell asleep in his arms. It took everything within him to lay her gently on the bench, strapping her in. He set the pack next to her. With one last, long look, he turned and exited the ship, chest aching. He paid the pilot without a word and stepped far away from the ship as the pilot closed the door and fired up the engines.

While Ben watched the ship fly away, he remembered his pinkie promise that to Rey that her family would come back. _I’m sorry Rey. I am so, so sorry._

He shuffled slowly back to his dorm in a thick haze, settling himself cross-legged on the floor, and slipped into mediation. Then he gathered up every memory of Rey, every happy memory of his childhood, his parents, of Luke, of training at the Jedi Academy, and he buried them. He buried them as deeply as he could, stuffing them away into the darkest corners of his mind, corners so dim and distant he barely knew they were there. He held the memories down, trying to suffocate every residue of kindness, goodness, and Light.

Then he opened himself to the Dark side, letting the power sear through him, burning away anything left behind. He reached out to the Supreme Leader Snoke, for the first time. His presence was immediately there, suffocating and choking within Ben like a poisonous gas.

_I’m here. I’m ready. Guide me, Supreme Leader._

**“I knew you would accept who you are, one day. It is your destiny. Henceforth, you are the Master of my Knights of Ren. What name will you take?”**

Ben had thought about this, in the dark moments when he lay awake at night, contemplating Snoke’s offer.

 _Kylo._ _Kylo Ren._

The Supreme Leader didn’t respond, but deep satisfaction and approval filled Ben. He drank it in like a man dying of thirst in a desert **.** Snoke’s presence receded from the boy and he left his young apprentice and Master of his Knights to his own thoughts.

When the boy opened his eyes, he was no longer Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried writing this chapter. Chapter title from Apologies by Jillian Edwards
> 
> Side note: I just realized the visual dictionary states Rey made the doll herself. I like to think that's not really what happened ;D


	13. Chase the Light

Luke Skywalker retreated into the forest for an hour or two of meditation. He had been spending more and more time the last several days locked away from his students and staff, or meditating in the forest, putting some of oldest, most-well trained students in charge of classes, and canceling others. He stopped to appreciate his students, feeling pride at their hard work and determination rise in him. Several of them were poised to become full-fledged Jedi within a few months. He welcomed the thought of that day.

His mind was tingling with apprehension. A dark cloud hung over the academy. The Force was experiencing a notable shift of balance, and every student in the academy felt it. Luke felt it keenly, it ate away at him, fraying his nerves. He was almost positive the shift was caused by Ben. He hadn’t seen him in two days. He didn’t know what to do with him. Ben’s power had tipped too closely towards the Dark side. Ben had grown in power by leaps and bounds in the last couple months. _I have to do_ something _. Ben is a danger to everyone here, including me. I can’t send him away. Where would I even send him? I can’t drag his parents into this, I think that would just make it worse. He’s so volatile. But I can’t keep him here._

Luke wished for the hundredth time that Obi-Wan or Yoda would answer his desperate pleas for guidance. Luke was not prepared to deal with this. No amount of training or experience taught him how to deal with an explosive and terrifying powerful Force-sensitive individual who was actively being manipulated by the Dark side, who was also his nephew.

Luke couldn’t rid himself of the gnawing guilt and shame that followed him around. He struggled with the rising anger at being put in this position, of being given responsibility for Ben in the first place. He was Leia’s last hope for Ben and he was failing. Ben was out of control, unstable, consumed by his emotions. And he was dragging Luke down with him.

* * *

 

Kylo Ren had a lightsaber to build. He expected Asha and Ryker to keep Luke off his back for a few days, while he completed it. Kylo had collected pieces of this lightsaber, slowly, over years. Every time he had found one, a deep, dark part of him urged him to keep it, and hide it. Kylo shivered, questioning how many times he had done something because it was Snoke in his head. Nearly a year before, he found a cracked Kyber crystal. He could hardly believe it at the time, thinking it was an astounding coincidence. Now he knew better. It was no accident. None of this was. He regarded all the pieces in his hands, turning over the crystal in his hands. It held a deep crimson tint he had never noticed before.

Kylo spread the pieces out before him, triple-checked the lock on his door, and with a deep breath, opened himself to the Dark side of the Force and slipped into a trance. He assembled his lightsaber in an ancient style, recalling the style of weapons from the Great Scourge of Malachor. He worked day and night for two days straight without pause. Finally, it was completed. He slipped out of his trance, feeling parched, starved, exhausted, and triumphant.

He held the hilt in both hands. It was hefty, oversized. His hands weren’t quite bit enough to keep a stable grip but he knew someday they would be.

He stood up and let out a shaky breath, extending the hilt before him. Then he ignited his lightsaber. The beam exploded into existence, with two small blades snapping into the crossguard vents a second later. The blade was serrated and rough, shifting and vibrating. It didn’t sound like a regular lightsaber-it was deeper, wilder. Ben tilted the blade closer to his face. The lightsaber was scorching, a few sparks flew off. The beam was red.

Kylo stared at the blade until his eyes burned. Then he extinguished it, tucking it into his closet next to the oversized black cloak. He may be apprentice to the Supreme Leader Snoke and Master of the Knights of Ren, but he was still human. He needed food, he needed a shower, he needed sleep. After taking care of his own needs, he reached out to the Supreme Leader again.

_Supreme Leader Snoke. I am ready. We move tonight._

Snoke’s pride and satisfaction filled Kylo again, and he bathed in the approval.

**“I will alert Asha and Ryker. They will move after sundown, while the students and the Jedi scum you once called your uncle are asleep. You must take care of him first, and then join Asha and Ryker. Destroy everything. I want every stone in this unholy place pulled to the ground.”**

Kylo accepted the information without comment. He had several hours until sundown. He crawled into his bed, weary beyond belief, and slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

* * *

 

 The smell of smoke and cries of terror woke him. His room was dark, and from his window he could see the main buildings were on fire. He rose and dressed quickly, grasping his lightsaber tightly in one hand. He pulled up the hood of his cloak, ignoring the terrified children darting about the grounds as he locked onto Luke’s signature and followed after him. He found Luke in front of their Jedi temple, ushering students in. Several of the older students were fanned out around Luke, lightsabers blazing and held at ready. Kylo smirked. If they thought a handful of weak padawans and an old man could stop him and his two Knights, they were sorely mistaken.

Asha and Ryker appeared out of the darkness, from the direction of the dorms, which now began to crackle and smoke with a newly set fire. They joined him, one on either side, red lightsabers ignited and ready.

“Block the entrance to the temple. Take down the armed students. Set the temple on fire. Kill any who try to escape.” Kylo ordered in a detached voice. Asha and Ryker nodded, hungry fervor burning in their eyes. They moved towards the students, engaging them without preamble. They moved with ruthless efficiency. Kylo was duly impressed, he had severely underestimated their skill and power. They had been holding back for years, but now, like rabid dogs, Kylo released them. Asha struck down one student with visible delight, passing her blade through the student’s chest with little effort.

Kylo turned his attention back to Luke, whose face was set in a stony mask of determination. Luke began pacing towards Kylo, blue blade held at ready. Kylo pulled his lightsaber out and relished the ripple of shock that passed across Luke’s face. He ignited his weapon and opened himself to the Force. The Darkness filled his body with intoxicating power, and Kylo fairly vibrated with barely restrained fury. He spun his crackling blade around his hand with a flourish, sneering at Luke.

“Ben, if you think you can fight me and win, you’re wrong. I taught you everything you know.”

“Ben is gone,” Kylo spit at him. “And you only taught me with the Light. I stand in the Darkness now, _Uncle_ ,” Kylo’s tone was mocking. “And I am stronger than even you could ever understand.”

Without warning, Kylo lunged at Luke, and they began a furious battle. Blades whirred through the air, crashing together again and again in a shower of purple sparks. Kylo gave Luke no respite, every swing was a death-stroke as he aimed for Luke’s head and body. Kylo knew he had to make every move count, Luke was not an opponent to dally with.

Luke was strong and impeccably trained, but he was evenly matched by Kylo. Kylo was young, and flush with the strength of new, raw power, fighting with razor sharp intensity. Luke tried to train his attention solely on Kylo, but he had students to worry about, while Kylo did not. When he heard renewed cries from the direction of the temple, he flicked a glance their way. It cost him. Kylo sliced at Luke’s side, landing a deep score across his hip and thigh. Luke stumbled, barely keeping upright. Kylo lashed out again, knocking Luke off balance. As he loomed over his uncle, ready to bring down a death-stroke, Luke buoyed his power, and _pushed_ against Kylo like he had never felt before. He flew backwards, crashing into the trunk of a tree behind him with a painful crack and dropping his lightsaber. He could feel some of his ribs were broken. He wheezed, pulling fury and hatred into him with desperation.

“Kylo!” It was Asha, who was back-to-back with Ryker, fighting against a new group of armed padawans. They were younger than the first group, much younger, but there were more of them.

Kylo growled. He would come back for Luke. The old man was injured, he wouldn’t make it very far. He stalked over to the temple, reigniting his weapon. He hacked dispassionately at the young padawans, and three fell within a minute under his blade. Every life he took flooded his veins with new power. He spun back to Asher and Ryker, who had taken care of the remaining group. Bodies lay around them like leaves in autumn. They had pulled down one of the pillars of the temple and blocked the door with it, moving on to dousing the temple with an accelerant of some kind. Ryker stuck a match and threw it onto the front steps of the temple, which exploded into blistering flames.

They stood and watched the temple fill with smoke. Screams of young children echoed through the academy grounds. Their voices tugged at Kylo, and he roughly shut out the sound, pushing it into the periphery of his awareness. He was about to leave to find Luke, when a blur of blue blade and blue skin flew out of the darkness with a savage scream. Asha and Ryker engaged the student, disarming her within a minute while Kylo watched.

“Kylo, would you like to do the honors?” Asha gazed at him with fire in her orange eyes.

Kylo stalked over to them. As he raised his blade to strike the padawan down, he locked eyes with the young girl. Shock coursed through him. It was Anya. Forbidden memories rushed into his mind. Anya, reprimanding Rey, while the young child hovered behind her for protection. Kylo’s blade hovered in the air as he stared into Anya’s impossibly large eyes. She stared back without a trace of fear.

“What would Rey say if she saw you now?”

Kylo’s anger blinked out. His head filled with a roaring sound as smothered memories and thoughts escaped their confines and flooded his mind. Rey, falling asleep in his arms, just minutes after furiously kicking him in the shins. Rey, reaching over him to steal food off his tray, already confident of their friendship. Rey, writing him a heartfelt letter, jumping onto his back for a ride, launching herself into his arms for a hug, whispering “you’re my best friend” in his ear. Grabbing his arm to climb on things, the delight in her eyes when she first learned to center herself in the Force. “Bumpy nose Ben,” checking on him because she thought he was sad, pinkie promises and bright smiles and her tiny hand in his.

Memories and images swirled in his mind, threatening to consume him. Tears streamed from his eyes and he choked on a shuddering breath. Ben bloomed into existence with a vengeance, the Light surging with him. Kylo warred with himself.

“No,” he whispered, only loud enough for him to hear.

“Kylo?” Asha and Ryker were staring at him expectantly. Relief was spreading across Anya’s face.

“ _No,”_ repeated, louder this time, his command reverberating around them.

Asha and Ryker exchanged looks.

“We were afraid of this,” Asha sighed, as she nodded to Ryker. Without hesitation, Ryker decapitated Anya, dropping her body onto the ground like a piece of trash.

Kylo Ren and Ben cried out simultaneously. Kylo battled for domination, but everything was bleeding together. He didn’t know who he was anymore.

Asha and Ryker squared their shoulders to face Kylo, and then held their extinguished lightsabers against their chests, directly over their hearts.

Icy dread spread through Kylo. “What are you doing?” he demanded hoarsely.

“It doesn’t matter what you do now, Kylo, it’s too late. The padawans will all be dead within minutes if they aren’t already. This will always be remembered as the day Ben Solo turned on his family and struck down nearly a hundred innocent lives. Because there will be no one alive who knows the truth, except you. And who is going to believe you?” Asha flashed him a mad smile, her eyes crazed.

“No, no, no,” Kylo whispered, rushing towards Asha and Ryker. Without another word, the two ignited their sabers, their red blades flaring through their backs. Their bodies slumped to the ground, lifeless.

Kylo stood in utter shock before their bodies, dimly registering that the screams and cries from the burning temple had ceased.  He dropped his lightsaber to the ground, and fell to his knees in despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pain is almost over. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...or something. Chapter title from You Were Born by Cloud Cult. Seriously this song makes me cry so hard.


	14. We Will Be Ephemeral

Nothing, not training, not days of meditation, could have prepared Luke to watch his nephew strike down children with utter dispassion. Through the Force, Luke felt the life of every student Ben killed snuff out like a candle flame between fingers. Luke half-walked, half-dragged himself away from the temple. The wound from Ben was deep, he was almost certain the saber had scored bone. Flames bloomed around the temple, and the screams of the children trapped inside ripped into him. Everything inside Luke urged him to find his lightsaber and save his students but he knew he was no match for three well-trained students wielding Dark Force power with his leg and hip nearly unusable. Many of the buildings in the camp were on fire, and Luke hoped they hadn’t made it to the docking bay or damaged his ship. He struggled to detach himself from the anger and despair that fizzled just under the surface of his mind. The residue of the Dark side draped the entire academy, and Luke knew how easy it would be to find solace in his pain. He sought the Light, imploring it to fill him, to guide him. Slowly, a plan formed in his mind. Luke wasn’t sure if it was Force-guided, or just the product of his fear and terror, but it was the best thing he could think of. He had to get to his ship and he had to find R2.

Luke staggered against a building, stopping for a moment of rest. He reached out with the Force, feeling through the academy for the presence of Ben and his cohorts. But the entire academy was void of life, with the exception of Ben. Shock rocked through him. He fought back a wave of despair. He couldn’t think about the repercussions of that right now. He couldn’t handle anything else.

* * *

 

The sound of a ship exiting the atmosphere shook Kylo out of his daze. He knew immediately that it was Luke’s. Luke had escaped. Snoke would not be pleased. Fear instinctively curled inside Kylo, followed by searing rage. Within the space of his heartbeat, Snoke was in Kylo’s head, radiating disappointment and disgust through his apprentice. Kylo curled up on the ground as waves of pain rocked through his body.

**“Kylo Ren. You failed me.”**

_You lied to me._

**“No, my Knight. I merely did what was necessary to bind you to me. Asha and Ryker believed in this path too.”**

Kylo managed a weak snort of derision over the pain, but shoved down the choice words he had about Snoke and brainwashing.

**“You may feel weak now, but you will look back at this night as your rebirth.”**

Kylo gasped as the pain receded from his body.

**“I did this because I want you, Kylo Ren. Only you can allow me to achieve the goals I have for the galaxy. You are the only one with the kind of power I seek.”**

When Kylo didn’t answer, Snoke brushed against his mind with a feeling of almost tender appreciation. Kylo tried to ignore how good it felt, regardless of why Snoke did it.

**“Who still stands beside you, Kylo Ren? Where is your family, your uncle? Who sacrificed their lives for the purpose of your own? You are the herald for a new generation of Force users. You will be the first, the most important, you will forge the way.”**

Kylo begrudgingly admitted to himself that Snoke was right. And how appealing that life did sound to him.

**“I have sent a ship to gather you and bring you to me. Then we can begin our training with you in your rightful place. You have nowhere to turn, Kylo. Do not fail me again.”**

The last words were an echo of a threat, punctuated by a faint wave of pain, but Snoke was still in his mind.

_What else, Supreme Leader?_ Silence passed before Snoke spoke, colder than Kylo had ever experienced.

**“Is the girl dead?”**

Kylo immediately knew who he was talking about. _What girl?_

**“The pitiful child that inspired such weakness in you.”**

_She is gone._

Kylo forced himself not to hold his breath, not to betray himself. Part of him recoiled with revulsion from surge of compassion and renewed pain that the mention of Rey brought. He latched onto this part of himself, focusing every iota of his energy on it. Snoke seemed satisfied, and showered Kylo with feelings of warm approval before receding from his mind.

He wondered who would discover the decimation at the academy. Probably a supply ship in a few days. They would count the students, try to find them all. A wiggling thought in the back of his mind urged him to destroy the rest of the camp. _Burn the bodies, destroy the dorms. Leave nothing and no one to recognition._ He left the thought unexamined. _Snoke told you to pull every stone to the ground. He’ll be pleased._

Kylo began the gruesome task of collecting bodies, carrying the remains facedown, often in pieces. Even with the cauterized wounds left behind from a lightsaber, it wasn’t long before he was slicked with blood. Asha and Ryker had not always been efficient executioners, some of the hacked up padawans suggested they enjoyed the slaughter. When he reached Ryker and Asha, he couldn’t push back the bile that rose to his throat, emptying the contents of his stomach while he sagged against a tree. Kylo dragged them to his growing pile of corpses, crouching down next to Asha’s. Firelight caught the soft shimmering texture of her skin, and Kylo ran a finger across her cheek. He didn’t know what name to put to the feeling of watching the first girl he slept with burn in a fire of his own making.

Kylo paced slowly through the dorms. The air was thick with a chill of death, already filled with the ghosts of lives unlived. He collected some things from his room, doused his bed with the accelerant, and flipped a match onto the scratchy blankets. It seemed fitting to burn the dorms starting with his room.

 He stood outside the dorms, far too close to the fire, letting the searing heat on his face drown out the rest of the chaos in his mind. He slipped his hand into one pocket, surprised when his fingers brushed against paper edges. He pulled the packet of letters from his parents out of his pocket and scowled. He didn’t remember grabbing them. He ripped away the string holding them together, tossing them into the fire one by one. The writing on the last letter caught his eye. It was Rey’s unsteady scrawl. His hand hovered in the air, fingers ready to release it. The drone of a ship approaching grew over the crackling roar of the burning building. Kylo put the note back into his pocket.

* * *

 

Luke set his ship’s course and entered hyperspace, pulling his shaking hands from the controls and collapsing back into his seat. Every few minutes, a wash of panic seized him, demanding that he return to his academy and find a way to reason with Ben. He rejected the thought every time. Over and over he played the memory of searching for life in the academy, and finding only Ben. The shock of discovering the void in the Force was fresh with every remembrance. _Ben is gone_ , Luke told himself. Unwelcome thoughts crowded his mind.

_Luke stood at the edge of the hallway, peering around a corner to watch his nephew and Rey as they left the building. Ben was rushing, leaving Rey behind him, who slightly swayed on her small feet as she trotted to keep up. Luke opened his mouth to reprimand Ben and remind him she was injured, when the boy slowed down, pausing to wait for Rey to catch up. They exchanged words he couldn’t make out and then Ben bent and picked the girl up with surprising gentleness. He was a reckless child, rough with others and his belongings. Luke blinked at the pair as they turned the corner, out of sight._

_The next morning at breakfast, Luke studied Ben as he approached a group of students, sitting far away from them, every muscle tight as he pushed his food around. Ben visibly relaxed when the group left. Luke frowned at the students, but he didn’t stop them. They treated Ben differently, because of who he was, due to both his parentage and his demeanor. Luke didn’t want to make things worse by getting involved and forcing friendship, fearing it would make it worse. But the darkness that hung around Ben set his stomach churning. When Rey crawled onto his table, Luke prepared himself, waiting for the inevitable moment Ben said something too harsh and scared Rey off. Instead, the darkness around Ben started to bleed away. A soft feeling crept into his chest. Hope._

That hope was utterly destroyed when Luke found only Ben alive in the wake of the massacre. Rey was the one person who seemed to peel away the layers of complex darkness he was wrapped in. And he killed her. Tears stung Luke’s eyes. Rey was dead, and that meant Ben Solo was too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Black Water by Apparat. 
> 
> The pain is over! A second part will be coming soon. I have another fic going and it's taking up most of my time. If you want something with Reylo, Kylux angst, Stormpilot, Leia getting to have some happiness in her life, Celtic mythology references, Red Riding Hood AU, and me butchering the French language, check out Monsters Inside.


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